Liverpool six games from being unbearable again

LIVERPOOL fans are on the brink of regaining their status as the most annoying in England.

Once the most feared topic of conversation in Europe, Liverpool have had their sense of smugness eroded for the last 24 years.

But with the team six games from league victory, Steven Gerrard said: “We have the best fans in the world for self-mythologising, so it will be great to give them something to buttonhole complete strangers about.

“If we lift the trophy, for years to come the players’ names will be constantly on the lips of irritating people who have trapped others in the corners of pubs.”

Two teams stand between Liverpool’s fans being unable to just shut up for five minutes. Favourites are Manchester City, whose own supporters are clinging to a sense of superiority over people making the arbitrary decision to support Manchester United instead.

Chelsea also want to derail Liverpool’s attempt at being beyond the pale, and feel that with John Terry and Jose Mourinho involved they are well placed to do so.

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Network Rail clones Hitler

NETWORK Rail has begun production of Hitler clones that will make trains run on time.

The rail authority, which faces a fine of £70 million for late trains, believes that the genetically engineered copies of the Nazi dictator will ensure it hits punctuality targets.

A spokesman for Network Rail said: “Everyone knows Hitler was, despite his flaws, adept at running a well-organised rail service.

“We’ve tweaked the clones to be really focused on that and hopefully not so evil, though obviously there’s a learning curve.”

The initial batch of 600 Hitlers will begin as ticket enforcement agents, given latitude to punish fare-dodgers with extreme prejudice.

If the program is successful, Network Rail will offer the Hitlers’ finely tuned administrative abilities to train operators in Czechoslovakia, Austria, Poland and eventually the whole world.

The spokesman added: “Ongoing affection for the character Blakey from On The Buses proves that the public responds well to moustachioed authority figures.

“If this works, we’ll keep the production line going and outsource the clones to become parking attendants, football stewards and PCSOs.”