Millionaire footballers remain terribly working-class

PREMIER league footballers remain utterly ghastly despite their multi-million pound salaries, research has found.

Experts say the huge sums invested in top players have failed to alleviate their violent, working-class horridness and may even make it worse. 

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Most remain largely unintelligible. When not buying clothes or punching people, they sit on cream leather sofas eating Pringles.

“Even the foreign players, who you would expect to be naturally more sophisticated, wear trainers with suits and attend sticky nightclubs frequented by DJs, fitness instructors and moderately successful plasterers.

“Remember those nasty boys in school who were gratuitously violent, foul mouthed, disruptive and cruel? Now imagine them with an annual budget of £5 million.”

The Institute has proposed a block release system where footballers would spend eight weeks a year at Cambridge reading George Bernard Shaw quotes instead of stamping on someone’s forehead.

They would also attend dinner parties and be rewarded for holding conversations about Bernardine Evaristo and Marina Abramovic by being allowed to look at photographs of especially shiny cars. 

Educated, middle-class footballers did emerge in the late 1980s when Chelsea winger Pat Nevin was seen enjoying Doonesbury in the Guardian, but ended in 1993 when England full-back Graeme Le Saux was branded homosexual for using the word ‘eclectic’.

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Loving This, Admit Israel And Hamas

ISRAEL and Hamas last night admitted the latest wave of deadly violence was one of the best they had seen in years.

As the international community condemned Palestinian rocket attacks against southern Israel and the corresponding Israeli air strikes in the Gaza Strip, both sides agreed it was ‘more fun than a barrel of heavily-armed suicide monkeys’.

Israeli prime minister Ehud Olmert said: “You’ve got to hand it to Hamas, they are the dog’s bollocks when it comes to unrelentingly insane terrorist opponents.

“Fatah and Mahmoud Abbas are so sensible and tedious. It’s all talking and protesting and chucking a few rocks once a week. Sure we can flatten a few streets but it’s not the same. Rocket attacks mean you can go balls-out crazy apeshit.

“I just love Hamas. They really get us.”

Meanwhile a Hamas spokesman said: “Hats off to the Israelis, they’ve done it again.

“This is the sort of top drawer, high quality violence that could keep us all going for years and years. Vintage stuff.

“In fact, if I wasn’t a Muslim being attacked by Jews I’d say it was the perfect Christmas present.”

He added: “Imagine if they invade! No, stop, I don’t want to jinx it.”