Neil Lennon attacked by geese

CELTIC manager Neil Lennon was recovering last night after a frenzied goose attack.

Lennon was visiting the Scottish Wet Fowl Centre in Bathgate when six large female geese ambushed him from behind a wheely bin.

The gaggle then cornered Lennon outside the Granary Café where they swore at him several times in Goose before pulling him to the ground.

Park warden Bill McKay said the attack was ‘totally unprovoked’ adding: “It couldn’t have been sectarian or football related. These geese are Canadian humanists and are mostly interested in ice hockey.”

Lennon suffered multiple goose bites to the face and body and also burned himself when he dropped his cup of blackcurrant tea after a goose kicked him in the back.

Eyewitness Helen Archer said: “He managed to break free and sprinted towards the car park but then tripped over one of those low hanging bollard chains and knocked himself out on the bonnet of a Saab.

“I went over to see if he was alright but before I knew it I was raining angry blows down on his unconscious head as my two children cheered me on.

“I’m a grade three Wiccan so I’m not into this whole Catholic-Protestant thing. There’s just something about his face.”

The six geese were identified using CCTV footage but are too young to stand trial. Officials say it is likely their visas will be revoked and they will ordered back to Canada on Monday.

 

Fresh blow for human nature as experts say it includes religion

THE reputation of human nature plumbed new depths last night as experts claimed it includes believing in god.

An international study found that blindly accepting things for which there is not a shred of evidence is a fundamental part of who you are, especially if you are an American or ‘some kind of fucknut’.

Dr Stephen Malley, from Roehampton University, said: “Because belief in God is innate, trying to get rid of it is ultimately futile. If I was Richard Dawkins I would just pack it in and open a Domino’s franchise.”

The study also found that people who live in urban areas with libraries and homosexuals are less likely to believe in God than the sort of gap-toothed dung shovellers who think Jesus makes their potatoes nice and fat.

It is the latest crisis for human nature already burdened by violence, dishonesty, greed and a fondness for watching freaks on the telly.

Dr Julian Cook, from the Institute for Studies, said: “What we have actually discovered is that religion is natural – for tiny children.

“Therefore adults who believe in god should not be allowed to drive, have sexual intercourse or vote and should shut their stupid little faces whenever I tell them to.”