Neil Lennon attacked by geese

CELTIC manager Neil Lennon was recovering last night after a frenzied goose attack.

Lennon was visiting the Scottish Wet Fowl Centre in Bathgate when six large female geese ambushed him from behind a wheely bin.

The gaggle then cornered Lennon outside the Granary Café where they swore at him several times in Goose before pulling him to the ground.

Park warden Bill McKay said the attack was ‘totally unprovoked’ adding: “It couldn’t have been sectarian or football related. These geese are Canadian humanists and are mostly interested in ice hockey.”

Lennon suffered multiple goose bites to the face and body and also burned himself when he dropped his cup of blackcurrant tea after a goose kicked him in the back.

Eyewitness Helen Archer said: “He managed to break free and sprinted towards the car park but then tripped over one of those low hanging bollard chains and knocked himself out on the bonnet of a Saab.

“I went over to see if he was alright but before I knew it I was raining angry blows down on his unconscious head as my two children cheered me on.

“I’m a grade three Wiccan so I’m not into this whole Catholic-Protestant thing. There’s just something about his face.”

The six geese were identified using CCTV footage but are too young to stand trial. Officials say it is likely their visas will be revoked and they will ordered back to Canada on Monday.


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Fresh blow for human nature as experts say it includes religion

THE reputation of human nature has hit new lows after a comprehensive study found it includes believing in god. 

The international, multi-year study found inventing a deity, following its rules and blindly accepting things for which there is not a shred of evidence is a fundamental part of who you are, whoever you are. 

Dr Stephen Malley of Roehampton University said: “As belief in God is innate, attempting to overcome it is ultimately futile. This is a dark day for rationality. 

“It appears that in all cultures, big or small, across the world humans will find a god, announce it’s the one true God and start a fight about it. Except Buddhism, but it’s not like they’re so great. 

“This is bad news for Richard Dawkins. Also, has anyone told him he looks a bit like God himself or would that just rile him up?” 

The study is only the newest crisis for human nature, already burdened by violence, dishonesty, greed and a fondness for watching freaks on television.

Nathan Muir of Chelmsford said: “I have often thought there must be a God, and secretly he likes me best.”