Norwich fan to be burned as witch

TEENAGE Norwich City fan Chris Brown is to be burned at the stake for dabbling in the dark arts of electricity.

His crimes include using the sorcery known as ‘internet’ in strict defiance of the laws laid down by the elders of the wet principality.

Brown will burned in a large wicker laptop in Norwich city centre this Saturday, providing the man who has the fire can get there on time.

Wetland denizen and High Chief of the Broads Roy Hobbs said: “If the gods had meant us to use computers they’d have given us the infrastructure, technology and physical dexterity to manipulate them properly.

“At seventeen years old he’s a middle-­aged man so he should know better by now. No good can come of these thingummy­-learning ways.

“Next he’ll be looking at those papery­looking things with squiggles on them. You know. Those.”

Brown has been found guilty of using the powers of evil to leak the design of the Norwich City squad’s new straw hats. However the club has said that if he sacrifices two chickens and smears their blood over his face during a full moon before his incineration his soul may not suffer for all eternity.

The strait­laced Christian sergeant initially assigned to investigate Norwich’s complaint has been told that Chris Brown never existed and that there is nothing for him to see here.

Norwich supporters have previously been criticised for worshipping the man who installed the floodlights at Carrow Road as a ‘sun god’.

Brown said: “I’ll come quietly rather than having the locals drag me from my home as I don’t want my parents getting into trouble for their indoor toilet.”



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'We're ready to piss on ourselves'

THOUSANDS of determined runners are preparing to urinate in their pants at this weekend’s London Marathon.

As competitors from all over the globe assemble for the marathon, stalwart British competitors say they’ve got no problem pissing down their legs if that’s what it takes.

Professional distance runner Stephen Malley said: “If you want to be a serious competitor, you can’t worry about millions of people around the world seeing a dark wet patch spreading across your groin.

“You’re there to win, whether that means pissing yourself – or even doing a log.”

Five-times marathon veteran Tom Logan said: “I fully embrace the urine-soaked culture of long distance running, and make the pissing part of the fun.

“I direct my stream into the crowd, so that fans can taste my spray as I race past. Sometimes they rub it on themselves for luck.”

The bodily functions aspect of distance running entered the mainstream after Paul Radcliffe was filmed performing an ambiguous mid-race toilet act that has since become known as ‘the Radcliffe Enigma’.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “The precise nature of this act remains the subject of academic scrutiny.

“Was it liquid or solid? Well, her shorts never came down and they aren’t very porous so if she did a shit, she would’ve run the final stretch with it squishing around in her pants.

“Medal or no medal, that is rank.”