Pep Guardiola assigns positions to everyone in Manchester

NEW Manchester City manager Pep Guardiola has announced the positions that all 514,000 of the city’s residents must stay in throughout his reign. 

The position-obsessed manager, full name Peppa el Cerdo Guardiola, once dropped Thierry Henry for scoring a goal from three inches away from his allotted spot and promises to exercise the same rigour on the people of Manchester.

Mancunian Roy Hobbs said: “I’m only allowed on the south side of Oldham Street between Piccadilly Records and Afflecks Palace, and there’s a row of cones to make sure I don’t stray.

“My girlfriend’s on the other side of the street, her movements similarly restricted between Dry Bar and Leo’s Fish Bar, and so we cannot be together until Pep leaves in 2019 or City win the Champion’s League, whichever happens first.”

Guardiola, who will be enforcing positioning by hovering above Manchester in a helicopter screaming through a megaphone, has promised to be the city’s most exacting disciplinarian since Mark E Smith.

The rules do not apply to neighbouring Salford, where Louis Van Gaal has already banned residents from going forward in any but the most tentative and unconvincing way.