Cameron secures leftover sandwiches for UK

DAVID Cameron has negotiated a deal allowing Britain to keep any leftover sandwiches from EU meetings, he has announced.

Ministers attending EU discussions will now be allowed to collect uneaten sandwiches, crisps and items of fruit and take them home in a carrier bag for the British public to enjoy.

The prime miniser said: “Our total lack of progress on benefits and sovereignty is more than compensated for by our resounding success with sandwiches.

“Initially they were saying we could just have the tuna ones but I toughed it out and now we’ve got all the remaining flavours including prawns, which are the most expensive ingredient.

“I’ve vowed to keep fighting Britain’s corner in Brussels. Next time I’m going to demand we get a guaranteed share of mini satay chicken skewers, because those always get eaten first.

“Have a cheese and ham one before the pickle makes the bread go soggy.”

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Trump beaten by man who really believes all the horrible things he says

DONALD Trump has lost in the Iowa primary to Ted Cruz, a man who does not just say vile things about immigrants but sincerely believes them. 

Republican voters agreed that while they have enjoyed Trump’s hate-drenched rallies, they suspected he only picked on Muslims to make people like him. 

Wayne Hayes of Des Moines said: “When Trump needs sweatshop workers he’ll change his damn tune.

“But Ted Cruz won’t compromise his xenophobia just to keep the country running. He already shut it down once just out of petty spite. 

“Also, he doesn’t trust any science that isn’t in the Bible and has a big neck. I respect that.”

Cruz is currently best-known in the UK for his uncanny physical resemblance to the character Des Clarke from 80s episodes of Neighbours, and will remain so until he starts a nuclear war.