Loving couple comfortable enough to tell each other to ‘f**k off'

A LOVING couple have reached the point in their relationship that they can tell each other to ‘f**k off’ without causing any offence.

Nikki Hollis and Wayne Hayes have been seeing each other for eight months and have found in recent weeks that they can swear at each other without it causing problems.

Hollis said: “We are very much in love. That’s why we can say ‘fuck off, you put the kettle on’ and neither of us is bothered.”

Hayes said: “She can suggest we stay in and watch First Dates and I can laugh and say ‘fuck off’. It’s a very nice, secure feeling.

“Sometimes we might spend an hour just telling each other to fuck off, like last night when she said that chimps are 40 times stronger than humans. I said fuck off, she said ‘no you fuck off’ and it went on like that.

“It’s probably a form of courtship ritual.”

SAS rescues British couple trapped in inauthentic part of France

THE SAS has mounted a daring helicopter raid to rescue a British couple stranded in a horrifically modern French town.

Tom and Patricia Booker’s holiday nightmare began when they discovered the town of St Rocheaux was full of multinational chains like Burger King instead of artisan baguette shops and peasants in blue overalls.

Tom Booker said: “As soon as I saw the Orange mobile phone shop I realised we had to get out of there, but the Volvo engine cut out as I was accelerating away from Domino’s Pizza. We were surrounded by people in sportswear and office clothes, constantly checking their phones rather than picking grapes and playing the accordion.

“Patricia managed to get through to the British embassy, who advised us to stay in the car with our eyes tightly shut in case there were any adverts for global products like The Force Awakens.”

Within minutes an RAF Chinook was on its way, carrying an SAS platoon authorised to use lethal force against anything that would not feature in a Rick Stein programme.

Sergeant Bill McKay said: “One squad then set up a defensive perimeter and extracted the tourists, while my team took out a French branch of Sports Direct with phosphorous grenades as a diversion.”