Scottish premier league to award three points for murder

SCOTTISH football’s premier league is to award three points for a successful bombing campaign.

Fans on both sides cheer for their favourite Irish murderers

From next season teams will be encouraged to pick off each other’s players and management with sniper rifles, land mines and grenades.

A league spokesman said: “For years Rangers and Celtic fans have put in a huge amount of effort to ensure that insane violence remains a vital and thriving element at the heart of the Scottish game.

“By trying to kill Celtic manager Neil Lennon with a parcel bomb Rangers’ boisterous fans are sending us a message that they now want the league to take the next logical step.”

He added: “Scottish football has never really been about football, as anyone who has seen one of the matches would almost certainly agree.

“It’s about a clash of twisted ideologies fuelled by delicious, high-strength alcohol and an education system that sensibly divides children into Catholics and Protestants as soon as they can spell the word ‘hate’.”

The move has been welcomed by other clubs who say that competitive murder could finally end the domination of Rangers and Celtic.

A spokesman for Dundee United said: “They will be able to afford bigger bombs and guns and bring in expensive foreign assassins who want the chance to kill people in Europe, but we will focus on guerilla tactics and the element of surprise.

“I see us very much as the Viet Cong of the Scottish premier league.”