Stamford Bridge 'makes people racist'

CHELSEA football stadium emits a form of radiation that makes people horribly racist, it has been confirmed.

As referee Mark Clattenburg became the latest person to be accused of racism after coming into contact with Chelsea, experts said the stadium’s chemical make-up meant it was a ‘molecular bigotry engine’.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Some forms of concrete contain the element Griffinium.

“It is a base metal with a half-life of 18.6 hours. In high enough concentrations the subsequent radiation can disrupt the neural flexi-waves that stop most people being racist.

“Stamford Bridge concrete has very high levels of Griffinium and so you find that a lot of Chelsea fans are obscenely racist inside the stadium but then transform into perfectly charming Guardian readers the further away they get.

“And of course a lot of them are just racist fuckers anyway, so that gives us a control group.”

He added: “Clattenburg has obviously been subjected to a very high dose of Griffinium. Perhaps he was leaning against a wall in the players’ tunnel.”

Club captain John Terry said: “Yes, Griffinium poisoning. That’s what I’ve got.”


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News Corporation planned adding shark fights to literary classics

RUPERT Murdoch’s Penguin Books buy-out was rejected due to his plans to make literary classic more idiot-friendly.

Publisher Tom Logan said: “When DH Lawrence wrote The Rainbow, I’m sure he didn’t envisage the struggles faced by three generations of Nottinghamshire miners to involve shark fights and ‘soaraway stunners’.”

News Corporation also planned Metamorphosis II, a sequel to Kafka’s classic study of alienation, in which a 200 foot insect man-beetle destroys downtown Prague before being taken out by a ragtag team of wise-talking entomologists.

Murdoch’s Penguin aspirations began after he picked up a copy of Jane Eyre and was surprised to find the third page didn’t feature a picture of Jane with her top off.