FOUR in every five banknotes has been used for an illegal payment by FIFA, investigators have confirmed.
Currencies from the euro to the dollar to the Angolan kwanza contain clear traces of FIFA’s sweaty fingers when illuminated under ultraviolet light.
An FBI spokesman said: “Almost every note in your wallet has, at one time, been used in a multimillion dollar bribe between football federations, usually in squalid toilets.
“When riffled through, the banknotes issue a whispering sound which, when amplified 100 times, says ‘It’s for the good of world football,’ and ‘they’re only opposing Qatar because they’re racist’.
“The historical figures that appear on the notes, from Egypt’s Rameses II to the UK’s Adam Smith, have all begun to resemble Sepp Blatter’s distinctive, ‘bummed turtle’ countenance.
“And, if left sealed in a vault, they will begin to move very gradually toward Switzerland as if going home.”