Transfer saga concludes with transfer Ragnarok

THE protracted tale of Christian Benteke’s move to Liverpool has ended with the death of the transfer gods and the immersion of the world in water.

Thousands of words were written to describe the seemingly endless story, which saw the Aston Villa man move to Anfield for £32.5 million while a great battle raged in the heavens, as prophesied by seers long ago.

Among the casualties were Dundeal, god of the January window, Medikal, god of last-minute complications, and Faksmashyn, the much-despised god of communications, who all perished battling the ice giants before the world sank beneath the waves.

Saga expert Joseph Turner said: “The tale of the hero who must decide whether to move to Liverpool, Arsenal or Manchester United is one the great, enduring motifs of our times.

“Benteke’s tragic destiny has been to cause the end of the world, which will be a blow for Liverpool’s hopes of getting back in the Champions League.”

Turner added that the cyclical nature of time meant that the entire saga could be repeated all over again for David de Gea’s move to Real Madrid.

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Woman in Quiet Zone expects deathly silence for entire journey

A WOMAN travelling in a train’s ‘quiet zone’ has declared the entire journey must be spent in a deathly, mausoleum-like silence.

Mary Fisher, travelling between Stevenage and Doncaster, has warned her fellow passengers that quiet phone calls or ‘leakage’ from headphones is a ‘violation’ and has threatened to call the police.

Fisher announced: “This is the Quiet Zone. There should be an eerie silence at all times. For this is the Quiet Zone.”

Fisher then sat next to fellow passenger Nikki Hollis who had just taken part in a very quiet telephone conversation with her boyfriend.

She said: “I think you will find that this is the Quiet Zone. If this happens again I will ruin your life.”

Hollis then whispered: “Would it be okay if I listen to some music very quietly on my headphones?”

Fisher is currently standing on her chair, pointing at Hollis and shouting ‘this is a crime’ over and over again.