McDonald’s secret menu includes kingfisher in a bap

BURGER chain McDonald’s has a secret menu that is even more repellant than its official menu, it has been confirmed.

Previously thought to be an urban myth, former McDonald’s manager Tom Logan confirmed the existence of the ‘Black Menu’ for its most depraved customers.

He said: “There’s a tiny hardcore of freaks who know the code phrase, ‘take me down, down, down to meaty town’. After saying that they can choose anything from the so-called Black Menu.

“Nobody knows where the Black Menu comes from, but it is believed to date back to medieval times.

“To make the Black Menu meals you have to go away on a special training course to Stoke on Trent, which last eight years. During that time you will be broken physically and mentally, then rebuilt with a new personality.

“However, afterwards you do get a 38p per hour pay rise.”

The McDonald’s Black Menu:

Large Pointless Burger Stack

“It’s just a dozen Big Macs stacked on top of each other, not sure why really. You only have to take it apart to get them in your mouth.”


“It’s a banana split in half down the middle, that someone’s done a shit in.”

Kingfisher In A Bap

“This one takes time to prepare because usually they shoot the kingfisher to order. However they do keep a box of ’50 x Frozen Kingfishers’ in the freezer for emergencies.”

Mince Shake

“Take a ball of mince the size of a fist, season, stick it in a blender with two scoops of fresh dairy ice cream.”

Questionable Chicken Thing

“No more or less rank than other chicken items on the menu.”

Fist O’Chips

“Take a ball of chips the size of a fist, and eat it.”

Lungs McMuffin

“Nobody knows where the lungs come from. From looking at them I would say maybe a monkey.”

Death On the Nile

“This one’s hard to describe. It’s a plastic box full of flies with a surprise at its core.”

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Infidelity websites lead to sex with middle aged people who cry a lot

ADULTERY websites lead to hassle, paranoia and sex with sad middle aged people who keep bursting into tears.

After cheating site Ashley Madison was hacked, internet adulterers warned that illicit sex with nervy strangers is a total nightmare and urged people to try shoplifting instead.

Office manager Roy Hobbs said: “You have to travel miles and spend hours swearing at your satnav for the sake of a mediocre hump with a self-absorbed fucknut in a Holiday Inn Express.

“Also it’s hard to enjoy sex in a hotel with a total stranger because you keep thinking about that urban legend where a big burly bloke jumps out of a wardrobe and bums you.”

Sales executive Donna Sheridan said: “I was expecting 50 Shades, but instead the guy took me to Chicken Cottage on his moped.

“Then we did it badly in his uncle’s shed. And then he burst into tears. I feel so alive.”