Just keep having babies, Britain tells Royals

THE Royal family can be as fascist as it wants, as long as it keeps producing lovely babies, it has been agreed.

As the Queen and Prince Philip faced new questions on their love of Hitler, people across the country stressed they could not care less.

Royal expert Denys Finch-Hatton: “As with all Royal ‘controversies’, it’s not remotely important. No-one gives a shit, except those really pernickety, self-loathing Guardian readers who no-one listens to anyway.”

Margaret Gerving, from Ashford, said: “If I’m honest I’m probably at least 80 per cent fascist. I literally hate everyone, except Princess Charlotte.

“If the Royal Family wants to seize control and put most people in some sort of camp, that’s fine by me. I just need a new Royal baby every 12 to 18 months and the subsequent souvenir edition of the Daily Mail.

“And presumably the Daily Mail would also be happy with all of that.”

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Brighton to become the UK’s first ‘twats only’ town

UNBEARABLY smug seaside twat haven Brighton is to ban ordinary people.

The Sussex town, which had increasingly become an overpriced dormitory for London media workers and grizzled ‘big beat’ DJs, is to take the bold step of excluding anyone who does not have a glaringly flawed personality.

A spokesman for Brighton and Hove Council said: “We have a legion of twats here, mixed with a smattering of normal people, and the two groups were really failing to gel.

“On the one hand you’ve got ordinary worker types struggling with massively inflated living costs, while on the other you’ve got self-styled Bohemians with enormously wealthy grandparents, who somehow reconcile ecological beliefs with consuming vast amounts of cocaine.

“For the sake of the local economy, we want to defuse this tension while keeping the people who want to pay vastly over-the-odds for organic vegetables and taxidermy.

“So the normals can go to the nearest affordable town, which is only 212 miles away.”

Brighton resident Julian Cook said: “When I’m not DJing or ‘shopping local’ I like to chill on the beach. I have a small lifelong family income because my ancestors had a sugar plantation, which I’m fairly sure was run as an ethical workers’ co-operative.

“Basically I’m like a pet.”