WEST Bromwich Albion have abandoned football and are to regroup as a Dixieland jazz band.
Following the 6-0 defeat by Chelsea, manager Roberto Di Matteo and the majority of his squad will be replaced this week by Kenny Ball and his Jazzmen.
Ball is expected to put striker Ishmael Miller on the transfer list and replace him upfront with 76 year-old trombonist Johnny Bennett who has not scored a goal since he was 12 but is the undisputed master of syncopated swing.
Chairman Jeremy Peace said: “We hope to overwhelm the opposition with our ragtime break-outs and are already working on a 4-4-2 version of Hold That Tiger.”
Albion’s traditional black and white kit will be replaced with straw boaters and red and white striped shirts with those elasticated things that hold the sleeves up, while a 40-foot bandstand will be built in the centre circle at The Hawthorns.
Peace admitted: “While this is not a team that was meant to play football, that doesn’t mean we can’t counter Arsenal or Man United with a snazzy, Bourbon Street rendition of When The Saints Go Marchin’ In.”
Meanwhile, after the opening weekend of the new premier league season, Chelsea are sitting proudly at the top of the table just ahead of Hot Air, Pointless Conjecture and Out and Out Folderol.
There was also a strong start from The Concept That Any of it Matters in the Slightest and a 2-0 win for Utterly Baseless Extrapolations Based on One Fucking Game.
Footballologist, Wayne Hayes, said: “As expected, a Sense of Perspective and Measured Analysis look set to struggle this season, but it’s another cracking start for Andy Gray Sounding Like a Nervous Old Lady Who’s Just Sat on a Traffic Cone.”