What’s all this then? ask people with no interest in football

PEOPLE who know nothing about football are demanding to know exactly what this thing is all about.

Several million Britons who either have no interest in the sport or actively dislike it have demanded to be brought up to speed on everything from the basic rules to which players are having affairs.

39-year-old Tom Booker said: “I found football intimidating as a child and boring as an adult.

“But this thing about these people winning the premier cup league award has all the hallmarks of the gritty drama films about working class people that I like to watch at my local arts centre.

“I know it’s the game with the round ball and roughly two dozen men.

“But is Everton still the most famous team? Do the players still have moustaches and massive curly hair? Which team does Ian Rush play for now?

“I know who Gary Lineker is, if that helps.”

Mother-of-two Emma Bradford said: “I know a team has won. But doesn’t that happen at the end of every game?”