GOLFING intercourse monster Tiger Woods has taken advantage of the wet weather in Wales by sleeping with a string of underwater prostitutes.
The rain has been so heavy in Newport over the last few days that the Ryder Cup has had to be moved steadily further inland, with the final day’s play taking place at Brandon Wood Muncipal Golf Course in Coventry.
Tournament organisers were alerted to the scandal after a 250-pound turbot pimp marched into their headquarters demanding payment.
The aquatic flesh procurer claimed Woods had ordered the ‘Ariel Special’ – which includes 300 jars of crab paste and full scuba equipment – but had then refused to pay the marine tarts after they forgot the words to Under the Sea.
Golfologist Bill McKay said: “Tiger has ‘Ocean Fever’ and loves romping with women that can hold their breath for hours at a time.
“He’s been like this since he was a 14 and was thrown out of Orlando Sea World for touching himself in front of Shamu.”
Meanhwhile 2009 Open champion Stewart Cink has refused to practise with Woods, claiming the world number one ‘smells like a walrus fandango’.
And US captain Corey Pavin has been forced to ask the player to confine himself to the hotel breakfast kippers whenever he has to get his cryptozoological freak on.
Nikki Hollis, a 23-year-old mermaid dollymop from the Denmark Straits, said: “On Friday night he called me up and asked if it was possible to do a reverse Dutch steamboat in eight feet of muddy water.
“I didn’t know you could do it any other way.”