THE UK has admitted it has never heard of the ‘Aloo-min-um’ the US is supposedly imposing a 25 per cent tariff on.
TWO people who used to be in a relationship are still good friends whenever neither of them is in a relationship, they have confirmed.
EUROPE has imposed a 100 per cent tariff on the never-ending deluge of shit American television the world has spent decades drowning in.
TRUMP’S threats towards Canada and the world are hard to take in without being distracted by his bizarre writing style. Want to emulate it? Here’s how.
PRESIDENT Trump’s incoherent economic policies look set to plunge the US, and the world, into recession. Here’s how to laugh at that.
A 45-YEAR-OLD man is unable to decide between training for a marathon or sleeping with a woman in his office.
AN inquiry into the collision of two ships in the North Sea will begin by outlining the sheer size of the North Sea, making avoidance piss-easy.
FEMALE pupils are underperforming at maths and science. Here tradwife Hannah Tomlinson and unreconstructed 1970s sexist Roy Hobbs ask what can be done.
Politics
VICE-president JD Vance caused outrage by disparaging random European countries that are definitely not, he later clarified, Britain. So where did he mean?
AMERICA’S a bit of a no-go. Europe hates me. Best not mention Russia. It seems it is time to dedicate myself to the good people of Clacton.
A SELECTION of British lunatics are claiming, in the face of all available evidence, that Friday’s events were good for the US and Ukraine. Hear them out.
PRESIDENT Trump has promised that in the event of any military action against British forces in Ukraine, he will hold the prime minister’s jacket.
Society
SICK of finding costumes for World Book Day? Just wrap them in some toilet paper and say they’re Mr Bump. Try these too.
ENJOY having an in-depth rummage in your nasal passages while driving to Tesco? Did you know people can see you doing that, and these things too?
ACROSS non-confrontational Britain, homeowners huddle together, united in receiving poor service but too cowardly to say anything. They dream of dismissing these.
THE Home Counties are the most important counties in Britain according to their arsehole residents. But which comes closest to being barely tolerable, and which is the absolute worst?
Lifestyle
A SINGLE woman’s active social life is discussed by her friends in the condescending tone normally used about a grandmother with only a Yorkshire terrier for company.
EVERYBODY, meaning residents of north London and residents of the Cotswolds, is obsessed with sex in the Cotswolds. But can it also be pleasurable in poorer areas?
A MAN who succumbed to the urge to knock one out while luxuriously soaking in the bath has immediately had cause to regret his decision.
A FATHER with only a slight paunch and moderately receding grey hair is setting unrealistic beauty standards for men, it has emerged.
HE’S the bullish tech billionaire turning heads and defunding federal agencies in the White House, but how can you capture that maverick Musk charm? Follow these tips.
A MAN who is a sucker for new fads is espousing the joys of sucking on disgusting little nicotine pouches, it has emerged.
Sport
TOMORROW night sees a clash of titans only Americans care about as the Philadelphia Eagles take on Taylor Swift in Superbowl LIX. Can she win?
TODAY, professional football players will play others who earn more, subjecting their team and town to patronising media write-ups. Who will be the plucky victors?
THE BBC has apologised to right-wing football fans for employing a man with vaguely left-wing views and hopes this woman will make up for it.
Science & Technology
IF you’re 50 or under, the computer has always been there. Finding you porn, stealing you movies, and never once being used for home accounting. This is your journey.
A YEAR ago, my Tesla Model 3 was cool. I admit I gloated. Now I am driving around in a Reichsmobile, but these avoidance tactics mean it doesn’t define me politically.
A CONNIVING grandma has been able to use the internet since 1998 and just wanted an occasional visit, her cheated family have learned.
IS there a vinyl wanker in your office? Leaves at lunchtime and comes back with a square bag and a smug expression? Extol these musical formats over his.
PEOPLE who take 120 hours to send one-word replies to texts may seem like piss-takers, but they have their flimsy reasons. Such as these…
Arts & Entertainment
WONDERING what Phoebe Waller-Bridge was up to while earning $60 million from Amazon without producing a show? The Fleabag star reveals all.
OSCAR darling Anora picked up the much-contested prize for best thought-provoking breasts at last night’s Academy Awards.
THE fourth series of prestige dark comedy-drama The White Lotus is to be set at the Butlin’s Resort in Skegness, producers have confirmed.
DADDY Pig has announced he is not the father of the baby in Mummy Pig’s tummy, kicking off a quest to find out who is.
THE idea of a blatantly evil or insane US President is usually restricted to fiction, but not anymore. Here are some crazed film presidents who could learn a lot from Donald.
LIKE grasping a thistle, to truly love a Scottish band would only cause you pain. Their music has its merits, but these bands are inherently unloveable by virtue of nationality.
Business
THE government is open to the private sector’s involvement in assisted dying, and these brands you know and love are eying the profits.
FAST food chain McDonald’s has admitted its fancy branches with dark green signage firmly believe themselves to be on a par with Waitrose.
RIGHT now he’s flying, but Elon Musk is in a precarious position with Trump known to ditch anyone not completely subservient at whim. Stand by to savour his inevitable downfall.
Work
NOBODY on LinkedIn can stop congratulating each other long enough to admit they’re drawing dole. Use these phrases to cover up being between ‘great career opportunities’.
AS Labour MP Andrew Gwynne discovered, every WhatsApp group is a ticking time bomb of kompromat. Here’s how yours will lead to your eventual dismissal.
A HOMEWORKER ordered back to the office is spending long lazy days doing nothing to prove her point.
POWERLESS in their real lives, these wankers find their satisfaction in running a workplace like a Panzer Division. Which ones have bollocked you?
ARE you doing your job perfectly, breaking neither rules nor codes, but should resign anyway because you are becoming a distraction like Tulip Siddiq? Find out.
A LENGTHY prison sentence is expected for a self-employed woman who had the audacity to believe she could complete her tax return without breaking the law.
Alcohol
A MAN cutting out alcohol has realised that without it, his friendships are an awful lot of work.
OUT for drinks with the office last night? Woken up under the burden of some confessions that, in the light of day, you really wish you could forget? These will always be there.
PUB profits are falling and pubs may close, so attendance at your local hostelry five nights a week is now mandatory. Here’s how to get through it.
A MAN is insisting his friends dislike tequila because they have not had the ‘good stuff’, not because it is irretrievably vile regardless of cost.
HALFWAY through Dry January, are you sticking to it while maintaining a rigid schedule of daytime and evening Wetherspoon’s visits, like a patriot should?
