ARE you taking the f**king piss, Wales? You think we’d have bothered covering a by-election in bloody Caerphilly if Reform weren’t going to win?

TODAY'S Caerphilly by-election could be a step towards Reform winning the most seats in Wales, polls suggest. But as a party known for their old-school prejudices, here is some advice for candidates.

AS the chancellor blames Brexit for damaging the UK’s economy, we ask: why didn’t anyone suggest there could be negative effects back in 2016?

THE Chinese spy scandal has dominated headlines all week, and in an unguarded moment you may have picked up a few details about it. What is it about?

LOOK away if you do not want to ruin the outcome, but Tory peer Michelle Mone will pay back none of the £122m she ripped Britain off for and will face no consequences.

CARE home workers are struggling to decorate their premises for Halloween without reminding residents of their imminent demise, it has emerged.

A WOMAN'S preferred attachment style is to help her pay off hundreds of thousands of pounds over 25 years, she has revealed.

AN extra hour in bed is small consolation for the dreariness of standard time. These are the steps you will work through as you adjust to omnipresent darkness.

THE migrant removed from Britain under the one-in-one-out scheme said ‘Guess who’s back!’ to border forces on his return, lightening the occasion with a little humour.

PRINCE Andrew has paid no monetary rent on the Royal Lodge since 2003, while you paid tens of thousands in rent for the same period. Who has the better deal?

EXHAUSTED by all the sex you're getting? Start living like a monk by asking your barber for these hairstyles.

EVER wondered why the man in your life takes so long showering? Here are the things he's doing in the bathroom he'd rather you didn't know about.

CLAUDIA Winkleman’s outfits on The Traitors have ordinary people aghast and divorced authoritarian middle-managers wondering how to get the look. Follow these tips.

ENJOYING the cold, wet, dark weather? No? Then at least attempt to use the supposed romance of autumn to get into someone’s pants with these tactics.

SIX-SEVEN is what the kids are saying, and you’re supposed to care. But does the new generation’s race for fresh online slang just make them easier to ignore? Let’s assess.

AS a millennial, I abhor injustice. Nothing is more important to me than supporting the struggles of historically oppressed groups, most of all sexy lesbians.

BRIGITTE Macron is suing over claims that she used to be a man, which is highly unlikely but can easily play on a man's mind. Here's how to tell if your partner is the sex they claim to be.

PARTNER endlessly scrolling on her mobile? Ever wondered if she's being entirely honest about what she's looking at? Here's the uncomfortable truth.

A MAN and woman have abruptly ended their two-year friendship after he unexpectedly made romantic advances, it has emerged.

AFTER a full nine minutes on an American website, you’ve successfully diagnosed your ex as a narcissist. This explains why the relationship was toxic and why you want her back.

A WOMAN has dumped her boyfriend because of a list of faults she has yet to discover are endemic to the male sex.

A MAN has ruined an atmosphere of growing sexual tension by saying he feels 'horny', it has emerged.

WOMEN have confirmed every sexually explicit text message they send goes through comprehensive rounds of group evaluation.

YESTERDAY’S widespread internet outage has offered the world a fleeting vision of the paradise life could be if not deluged with endless online bollocks.

GREAT. Now I can specify my erotic needs – Scarlett Johansson, H-cups, PSCO outfit – and ChatGPT will spin up a bespoke scenario. And I’m meant to leave the house?

ANYONE with a job is likely to have witnessed managers gushing about AI then quietly ditching the idea. See where your employer is in the cycle of AI hype.

NOBEL Prizes are being given out, but do not impress Britain’s many idiots who believe anything they fail to understand is simple. Wayne Hayes explains why they’re bollocks.

BRITAIN is allegedly hooked on The Celebrity Traitors, the show where celebrities pretend to be cunning strategists while being outwitted by Alan Carr. But is it time to admit the game makes no sense?

TESS and Claud leaving Strictly doesn’t mean the show has to end - it can easily continue if a beloved household name like me takes over. Here’s why I’m the obvious choice.

THE BBC, having sewn up middle-class viewership with The Celebrity Traitors, is to launch a multi-million pound investigation into the tastes of the poor.

A NEW book is claiming Margaret Thatcher had not one but two affairs. And by an amazing coincidence Jilly Cooper was working on a novel about this very subject. Here are some extracts.

I SEE Lily has treated the breakdown of our relationship with the respect it deserves, which is to say, by writing a song about my butt plugs. There’s a bit about a vasectomy as well, is there? Great.

CLAUDIA Winkleman and her blonde co-presenter are leaving Strictly Come Dancing and unless they are replaced the BBC is doomed. Who could do it?

CLAUDIA Winkleman and Tess Daly have announced they are leaving Strictly to embark on a no-holds-barred wildly debauched sexual relationship.

THE Royal family can enjoy the privacy they crave as soon as they return their money, art treasures and at least four of their palaces back to the nation.

YOUR boss is unfairly expecting you to work at your desk without falling asleep after you have eaten lunch, it has emerged.

A MIDDLE manager is experimenting with being pleasant to his staff in a bid to improve their productivity, it has emerged.

ENGLISH teachers likening themselves to Taylor Swift after the star referred to herself as ‘your English teacher’ have been sternly informed they can f**k off.

THERE is no better motivation to get promoted, change career or finally start your own business than having an utter arsehole as your manager, experts have confirmed.

THE 3.8 per cent rise in inflation will not trigger any confusing rises in your take-home pay, the UK’s employers have confirmed.

A RETAIL manager accused of gaslighting his staff hit back by outlining a compelling new narrative which proved they had invented the whole thing to hurt him.

HOME from the pub but don’t want the party to end yet? Behold, five questionable mixers you can make without nipping back out to the corner shop.

ANYONE else sick of gym bros saying you need to give up booze to get shredded? I’ve made heavy drinking part of my workout and I’m fitter than a Navy SEAL. You can be too.

YOUNG people are either exceeding or falling short of the specific amount of acceptable alcohol consumption older generations dictate, they have admitted.

WAYNE Rooney has admitted drinking throughout his Manchester United career, explaining a great deal. Perhaps these other luminaries were smashed the whole time.

WHENEVER a group of diners decide to pay for exactly what each has consumed it is because one of the group got f**king wrecked, it has been confirmed.