SOME boys like conkers. Others playing rugby or collecting stamps. But I believe that casual racism is a hobby which offers joy to every English schoolboy.

EACH week we meet a couple with a fascinating story about how their romance began. This week: far-right activist Tommy Robinson and home secretary Shabana Mahmood.

THE government has confirmed its new policy on asylum is a little bit vicious, a little bit Denmark and a little bit Nigel Farage’s gonads taken right out of his red trousers.

THE country needs revenue and tax rises are forecast in the coming budget. Who, discounting you obviously, should be targeted?

THE voting public has told Wes Streeting to halt his leadership manoeuvres because ousting Starmer is their job and will be their delight.

AS former breast-expanding hypnotherapist Zach Polanski’s Greens rise in the polls, we examine what political leaders can do for the size, lift and morale of your knockers.

A LECTURER is unable to tell if a poorly-written, shoddily-researched university essay is the moronic work of her student or AI.

JUST 21 per cent of the UK’s top earners actually feel rich. The other 79 per cent, heartbreakingly, don’t. How can we all rally round to support them?

THE sight of a town’s Christmas lights going up is a terrifying glimpse of the nightmarish festivity on its way.

IT’S the hypocrisy I hate. We’ve all done crazy shit for kicks in late middle-age. But suddenly it’s only me who fakes being an admiral on Remembrance Sunday.

SO ethnic minority NHS staff doing home visits are intimidated by my flags? I don’t get it. Why be scared of a flag that just means you like England and nothing else?

A TEENAGER has forced society to reflect on its shortcomings and hypocrisies by wearing a keffiyeh neck scarf.

MIDDLE-class mums on cocaine one week, middle-class mums on Tramadol the next. I’m blasting skunk nightly. Where’s my f**king Daily Mail article?

SURELY she isn’t. But then there are odd little hints that your significant other is masturbating as frenziedly as a man would. These are the signs.

CHANGING rooms are carefully designed to make you feel repulsed by yourself, the items you are considering buying, the whole concept of clothing and the world, it has emerged.

A KINDLY old man has reassured younger people that the thrill of masturbation never fades.

SO the Northern Lights are back. Big f**king deal, you might say. Well, it is for those of us who blew four grand to see the f**kers in Norway seven years ago.

A MAN’S hearing is so sensitive that he can detect a bra being unhooked from the other side of the house, his girlfriend has confirmed.

LIKE a long cuddle after sex? Or are you clinging on desperately like a koala on a branch while your partner tries to wriggle free from your crushing grip? Find out.

THERE is no experience available to humanity more shameful than finding another person attractive, research has found.

A HUSBAND and wife who clearly loathe each other are under the impression that every marriage is a horrible, relentless slog day after bitter day.

IT’S the question every straight man has asked himself: which fellow male would you have sex with if the alternative was being executed or something? Here are the least bad options.

MANY aspects of modern dating are weird and distressing, even ‘happy’ relationships. Here are some nightmare partnerships the digital age has served up.

A MAN is concerned that his marriage, which he has been in for 12 years after being together for three years, ticks every box required to be a romance scam.

GRAND Theft Auto VI will not now be released until next November. How will you slake your degenerate urges until then?

WOMEN have confirmed every sexually explicit text message they send goes through comprehensive rounds of group evaluation.

YESTERDAY’S widespread internet outage has offered the world a fleeting vision of the paradise life could be if not deluged with endless online bollocks.

GREAT. Now I can specify my erotic needs – Scarlett Johansson, H-cups, PSCO outfit – and ChatGPT will spin up a bespoke scenario. And I’m meant to leave the house?

ANYONE with a job is likely to have witnessed managers gushing about AI then quietly ditching the idea. See where your employer is in the cycle of AI hype.

BEING afflicted with same-song syndrome isn’t necessarily a barrier to success. These artists have discovered what works and are in no hurry to change it.

THE BBC has issued an amber Children In Need warning across BBC1 and Radio 2 beginning this morning and running until 10pm tonight.

MANY great songs are born out of heartbreak. But it’s a shame certain artists didn’t find lasting love and not have to inflict these albums on the world.

ONLY musicians and students can indulge in being wilfully obnoxious as a personality. Each of these brings back memories of an arsehole housemate.

MEGHAN Markle is to play herself in an upcoming film despite the fact the Princess of Wales would be far better for the role.

TRAUMATISED by the image of Trump giving Bill Clinton a blowjob, as suggested in recent Epstein file leaks? Drive it from your mind with these.

WHATEVER happens with Kylie, I will always regret not following my heart and dating a woman who is British, middle-aged and drinks too much. And now, at 29, I fear it may be too late.

BEING a traitor isn’t the only thing Alan Carr has been lying about. Here is the disturbing truth about one of TV’s most beloved stars.

NO longer Prince Andrew or the Duke of York, the shamed Royal is still called Andrew Mountbatten Windsor. Should these fancy surnames be removed as well?

YOU’VE put in the hours, done the groundwork and become a member of Britain’s professional class. But are you a twat accountant, arsehole doctor or wanker journalist?

AN office worker has exposed his lack of mental faculties by describing the solution to a complicated work problem as a 'no-brainer'.

YOUR boss is unfairly expecting you to work at your desk without falling asleep after you have eaten lunch, it has emerged.

A MIDDLE manager is experimenting with being pleasant to his staff in a bid to improve their productivity, it has emerged.

ENGLISH teachers likening themselves to Taylor Swift after the star referred to herself as ‘your English teacher’ have been sternly informed they can f**k off.

THERE is no better motivation to get promoted, change career or finally start your own business than having an utter arsehole as your manager, experts have confirmed.

HOME from the pub but don’t want the party to end yet? Behold, five questionable mixers you can make without nipping back out to the corner shop.

ANYONE else sick of gym bros saying you need to give up booze to get shredded? I’ve made heavy drinking part of my workout and I’m fitter than a Navy SEAL. You can be too.

YOUNG people are either exceeding or falling short of the specific amount of acceptable alcohol consumption older generations dictate, they have admitted.

WAYNE Rooney has admitted drinking throughout his Manchester United career, explaining a great deal. Perhaps these other luminaries were smashed the whole time.