Survive five years in this twat factory and you're in for life, EU citizens told

EU CITIZENS have been told if they can manage five consecutive years in the twat factory that is Britain, they can stay for life.

Brexiter unable to find any street parties

A COMMITTED Brexiter has yet to find a street party celebrating Britain’s very own independence day.

Cocktails 'a load of stupid bullshit', confirm cocktail bar staff

COCKTAILS are nothing more than overpriced bullshit for idiots, cocktail bar staff have confirmed.

Davis tells room full of people who can speak German that they'd all be speaking German if it wasn't for us


DAVID Davis has told a room full of people who can speak German that if it was not for Britain they would all be speaking German.

Ascot declares war on Glastonbury

ROYAL Ascot has decided to finally settle its long-running rivalry with Glastonbury by marching to war.

Britain in record breaking four-day summer

AS SUMMER in Britain comes to an end, experts confirmed the four days of consecutive sunshine was a new record.

May unable to do deal at Tesco checkout

THE prime minister has caused chaos at a Tesco checkout after being unable to do a deal where she handed over money for goods.

Parenting 'a doddle', confirms aunt who has been babysitting for half an hour

CHILDREN are a lot easier to look after than everyone makes out, according to an aunt who has completed a trouble-free 30 minutes.

Dacre admits he once took delight in something that wasn’t horrible

DAILY MAIL editor Paul Dacre has revealed he was once delighted by something that was not utterly vile.