Mum feels pre-emptively guilty about lie-in

A MUM-OF-THREE has spent the night before a planned lie in apologising to her loved ones for being 'self indulgent', sources have confirmed.

Public school twat making crap gangster film

A FORMER public schoolboy is making a terrible East End gangster movie, he has announced.

It’s not our fault they don’t take black kids at Eton, says Oxford

OXFORD University has defended its admissions policy by saying it is powerless to take black students when they have not been educated at Eton.

My week whited-up as an angry, middle-aged man

Why I, an Afro-Caribbean woman, decided to put on latex, a fatsuit, ironed bootcut M&S jeans and a crisp blue shirt to find out the truth about life among the whites.

Time-waster parents banned from using Pets At Home as free day out

SCUMBAG parents with no intention of buying animals have been told to stop bringing their bloody kids to Pets At Home.

Jacob Rees-Mogg preparing for World War Two

TORY MP Jacob Rees-Mogg believes that despite the prime minister’s attempts to appease Germany, Britain is once again on the verge of World War Two.

Reciprocal gift-giving ‘a lifelong contract from which there is no escape’

THE giving and receiving of gifts between women is a contract that can never be broken no matter how much each party yearns for escape.

Ed Sheeran's arm breaks itself

ED SHEERAN'S right arm has broken itself in a desperate attempt to save the world from his music.

Show really gets going in season two, says friend who assumes you’re fine to sit through ten hours of shit

A TV show is worth persevering with because it improves after just ten hours, according to a friend who assumes you have nothing better to do.