Royals can have privacy whenever they give us the money back

THE Royal family can enjoy the privacy they crave as soon as they return their money, art treasures and at least four of their palaces back to the nation.

Six-seven, and other bullshit Gen Z slang that's hurting them more than us

SIX-SEVEN is what the kids are saying, and you’re supposed to care. But does the new generation’s race for fresh online slang just make them easier to ignore? Let’s assess.

Prince Andrew's rent since 2003 vs your rent since 2003: a comparison

PRINCE Andrew has paid no monetary rent on the Royal Lodge since 2003, while you paid tens of thousands in rent for the same period. Who has the better deal?

Man dumped for faults shared by all men
A WOMAN has dumped her boyfriend because of a list of faults she has yet to discover are endemic to the male sex.
Internet outage provides tantalising glimpse of a world without this bullshit

YESTERDAY’S widespread internet outage has offered the world a fleeting vision of the paradise life could be if not deluged with endless online bollocks.

A confused millennial tries to… introduce his AI girlfriend to his parents

CHAT, I’ve run into an age-old problem. After six months of dating, my unc parents want to meet my gf. The only issue is she’s an algorithm trained on all the hentai I’ve ever gooned to.

We would send only our nicest fans to Birmingham, promise Maccabi Tel Aviv

ISRAELI club Maccabi Tel Aviv have promised to send only fans who stroke puppies and present old ladies with bouquets of flowers to their match with Aston Villa.

Beginning to feel like people didn't go for the Pizza Express line, says Andrew

PRINCE Andrew has admitted his concerns that his foolproof Pizza Express alibi may be beginning to buckle under scrutiny.

'I'm a man who's into lesbians. Not real ones obviously'

AS a millennial, I abhor injustice. Nothing is more important to me than supporting the struggles of historically oppressed groups, most of all sexy lesbians.

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Politics

How to avoid talking about Reform taking Russian bribes: a BBC guide

NEED to steer the conversation away from how Reform UK’s former leader in Wales took Russian bribes, in case the electorate hears? Follow this step-by-step BBC guide.

Why aren't more Birmingham residents wearing whiteface? asks Robert Jenrick

I WENT walking around Handsworth in Birmingham the other week. And do you know what? Not one of its many residents made me more comfortable by ‘whiting up’.

Uppers down, downers up, report drug dealers at Tory conference

DEALERS at the Conservative Party conference are struggling to move cocaine but cannot keep opioids in stock, they have confirmed.

We ask you: who are you blowing at the Conservative Party conference next week?

THE Conservative conference begins tomorrow, and you need retrospective planning permission for an illegal caravan park. Who are you blowing to get this done?

Andrew punished by becoming a regular shitmuncher like you
PRINCE Andrew has been punished for his crimes and lies by being reduced to the state of being just a regular nobody just like you.

Society

Schoolchildren watching laughably dated video made in 2004

A CLASS of GCSE schoolchildren are sniggering at an ancient educational video made back in the depths of 2004, they have confirmed.

Teaching Marxism to eight-year-olds: A primary teacher explains how

HELLO, I’m Miss Traherne. I’ve written it on the whiteboard for you. Today we’ll be learning about the inevitable downfall of the ruling class, like Mr Farage says.

New financial crisis that is not your fault but will ruin you on way

EXPERTS have warned that a new financial crisis which you did nothing to contribute to but will f**k you right up is coming, so bad luck.

Hot girls with rich dads do it, and other reasons to take an English Literature degree

KEMI Badenoch wants to curb English degrees due to their ‘poor graduate outcomes’. But she should realise there are many excellent reasons to do them. Like these.

Nobel Prize winner to spend money on pimped-out SUV

THE British winner of the Nobel Prize for Physics is to spend the whole of his prize money on a customised sports utility vehicle in metallic Muscle Purple.

Paddington sues over claims he was the late Queen's booty call

PADDINGTON Bear has taken legal action over suggestions that he was, in her final year, Queen Elizabeth II’s designated f**kbuddy.

The big Tesco: Seven Wonders of your Crap Hometown
EVERY unimpressive mid-sized town has features its defensive residents believe make it stand out, and they’re always the same seven things.

Lifestyle

'Maybe you're not where you're supposed to be': Motivational signs debunked

VISITED a home full of motivational signs encouraging anything deeper than gin consumption? Can’t help but take down their bullshit? These stand up to zero scrutiny.

How old will you be when you have sex for the last time? Take our quiz

SEX is temporary, and one day we will all make love for the final time. But when will yours be?

Emergency flare, £35: Ryanair's extra charges for being in a plane crash

A RYANAIR jet came within six minutes of running out of fuel, it has emerged. So what extra charges might you face if one of their flights turns into an aviation disaster?

Every member of D&D group thinks they're the cool one

ALL five of the people who meet for a weekly Dungeons & Dragons session believe they are the kind of cool person you would not expect to play it, it has emerged.

Your astrological week ahead for October 18th, with Psychic Bob
F**king Victoria’s Secret models. You know the wings aren’t real? Yeah.

Relationships

Are you worried you've had a one-night stand with ChatGPT? Read our checklist

DATERS on the apps are increasingly using AI to do the difficult early bits of relationships for them. Have you been lured into sex by a large language model? These are the signs.

Man on holiday has no idea he's expected to propose

A MAN on holiday with his girlfriend does not realise she, her colleagues, her friends, her family and the night shift at an M&S Food in Portsmouth are waiting for him to propose.

F**kboi? This man is just concerned by low birth rates

A 32-YEAR-OLD man who dedicates his leisure time to f**king then ghosting women insists his behaviour is motivated by his sense of civic duty.

Secret of happy relationship for man to be punching a bit

FULFILLED and long-lasting relationships are those where the man is less attractive than his partner and knows it, experts have confirmed.

Michelle Mone, and other wanks who pose a moral dilemma

BAD people can be attractive, and that poses a problem for the ethical masturbator. Examine your conscience before constructing a wank fantasy around these hotties.

Man 'not sure what he wants right now' not ruling out sex

A MAN whose dating profiles state he is ‘not sure what he wants right now’ is willing to consider the possibility it could be casual sex.

The match day diary of a Sunday league footballer
EVER wondered how Sunday league players meticulously prepare their bodies and minds for the big game? Tom Logan, star striker of the Fox & Hounds, reveals all.

Science & Technology

Once I can get personalised AI erotica, how am I ever expected to leave the house?

GREAT. Now I can specify my erotic needs – Scarlett Johansson, H-cups, PSCO outfit – and ChatGPT will spin up a bespoke scenario. And I’m meant to leave the house?

The seven stages of your workplace getting obsessed with AI then realising it's bollocks

ANYONE with a job is likely to have witnessed managers gushing about AI then quietly ditching the idea. See where your employer is in the cycle of AI hype.

Quantum mechanics, and other things that are simple if you're thick

NOBEL Prizes are being given out, but do not impress Britain’s many idiots who believe anything they fail to understand is simple. Wayne Hayes explains why they’re bollocks.

This teen turned his room into a tech-free zone. Soon he was quaffing mead and leading the Crusades

AN experiment in taking technology away from teenagers has seen them turn to mead, chainmail, and riding out under the banner of heaven to cleanse heathen lands.

We ask you: What's your best guess as to what the Chinese spying scandal is about?
THE Chinese spy scandal has dominated headlines all week, and in an unguarded moment you may have picked up a few details about it. What is it about?

Arts & Entertainment

Single decent show feeling the pressure to justify streaming subscription

A STREAMING platform’s sole worthwhile show is struggling to justify a monthly fee of £14.99, it has admitted.

The 6Music dad's guide to pretending you've heard all the Mercury nominations

THE Mercury Prize is announced tomorrow, and nobody will be asking your opinion because you’re 53. Nonetheless, prepare for imaginary conversations with this guide.

Kylie Jenner, and six other people with no interest in music who released music

KYLIE Jenner has released a single as a bid for attention that is only music-based by happenstance. She joins these artists in her indifference.

Taylor Swift vs Charli XCX, and other music feuds where you wish both sides could lose

THE music business is rife with petty arguments between two equally despicable artists. These high-profile disputes should have ended in mutual destruction.

Man thinks of music from 2016 as new

A MAN still mentally classifies music from nearly a decade ago as new, fresh and unfair to expect him to have an opinion on.

Leonardo DiCaprio, and other stars who trick decent people into watching arthouse films

NOT content with multi-million paychecks, duplicitous stars love nothing more than to con their audiences by fooling them into watching serious cinema. We name and shame.

Celebrity

Prince Andrew: 'Thank God the letter where I say "I, like you, am an enthusiastic paedo" hasn't been found'

PRINCE Andrew believes he is fine as long as the letter where he bonds with Jeffrey Epstein about their shared love of underage girls has not surfaced.

We ask you: were you shaken to the core by the revelation Victoria Beckham had an eating disorder?

A NEW documentary about Victoria Beckham has turned Britain’s world upside down by revealing she had an eating disorder in the 1990s. How are you coping?

Jilly Cooper, and other celebrities tough to memorialise because of shagging

A CAREER based in large part on sexual intercourse makes the tributes slightly awkward when you pass on. These luminaries will be tough to remember respectfully.

Lee Meriwether as Catwoman: Weird formative crushes your partner fails to live up to

WE all had odd childhood crushes, and it’s likely they’re lodged in your psyche forever. Here are some of the slightly obscure hotties your current partner cannot hope to live up to.

BBC launches inquiry into what working-class people like
THE BBC, having sewn up middle-class viewership with The Celebrity Traitors, is to launch a multi-million pound investigation into the tastes of the poor.

Work

Middle manager trials good mood

A MIDDLE manager is experimenting with being pleasant to his staff in a bid to improve their productivity, it has emerged.

You are f**k all like Taylor Swift, pupils remind English teachers

ENGLISH teachers likening themselves to Taylor Swift after the star referred to herself as ‘your English teacher’ have been sternly informed they can f**k off.

Best career motivation is manager who's a complete prick

THERE is no better motivation to get promoted, change career or finally start your own business than having an utter arsehole as your manager, experts have confirmed.

Your salary safe from inflation, reassure bosses

THE 3.8 per cent rise in inflation will not trigger any confusing rises in your take-home pay, the UK’s employers have confirmed.

Manager accused of gaslighting proves staff wrong by denying reality and shifting blame

A RETAIL manager accused of gaslighting his staff hit back by outlining a compelling new narrative which proved they had invented the whole thing to hurt him.

Five homeworker hot weather outfits you were hoping other people wouldn't see

HAVE you been working from home and slobbing out in a state of undress due to the warm spell? Prepare to panic when a surprise visit or an Zoom call exposes one of these outfits.

The Archbishop of Canterbury on… maybe learn to wear a pair of jeans properly before becoming an MP, Jezza?
WAKING with a hangover so intense that for a few hours I grow an extra head that keeps tediously vowing to never drink again, I take on copious liquids and reflect on the past week. 

Alcohol

How to get ripped without giving up booze: Pete Hegseth's high-alcohol workout

ANYONE else sick of gym bros saying you need to give up booze to get shredded? I’ve made heavy drinking part of my workout and I’m fitter than a Navy SEAL. You can be too.

Young people not drinking very specific acceptable amount of alcohol

YOUNG people are either exceeding or falling short of the specific amount of acceptable alcohol consumption older generations dictate, they have admitted.

Wayne Rooney, and five other people it wouldn't surprise you to learn were pissed throughout

WAYNE Rooney has admitted drinking throughout his Manchester United career, explaining a great deal. Perhaps these other luminaries were smashed the whole time.

Everyone paying for what they had is a sign one person got shitfaced

WHENEVER a group of diners decide to pay for exactly what each has consumed it is because one of the group got f**king wrecked, it has been confirmed.

Wine aisle adorned with 'Back 2 Skool' signage

SUPERMARKET wine aisles are currently covered with the same ‘Back to School’ promotional displays as aisles selling pencil cases and backpacks.

Man destroys sexy mood by saying he's horny
A MAN has ruined an atmosphere of growing sexual tension by saying he feels 'horny', it has emerged.