Middle classes ask if they can stop shopping at Aldi now

THE middle class shoppers who switched to budget supermarkets have wondered if they can switch back soon.

Chris Martin’s dad a bit too keen on Jennifer Lawrence

THE father of Coldplay’s Chris Martin keeps asking when he’s going to bring his new girlfriend home.

Single people forced to join families

UNMARRIED people are to be forced into strangers' family homes as long-lost aunts or uncles, the government has announced.

Swans to replace Trident

AGGRESSIVE swans like those terrorising tourists on the river Cam are to replace Britain’s nuclear arsenal.

Food good for you

REGULARLY eating food protects against death, it has emerged.

All female characters now ludicrously hard

EVERY female character in TV and film is now exceptionally determined and hard as nails.

Woman’s hair has too much attitude

A 25-YEAR-OLD woman’s punk-influenced hair has been verbally abusing her family.

Foy used vanishing spray to seal off buffet

PREMIER League referee Chris Foy faces an investigation after using vanishing spray to push party guests back 10 yards.

So is casual racism not allowed either? asks UKIP

UKIP has asked for clarification on whether ‘casual racism’ is the same as ‘proper racism’.