Petrol still most reasonably-priced thing at service stations
DESPITE rising petrol prices it remains the only item at motorway service stations an average family can reasonably afford.
WAKING with a hangover so intense I shat out both my kidneys and an auxiliary third one I had transplanted, my mind turned to strangely relevant historical events.
A MAN’S values and worldviews lean towards whichever ones stand the best chance of resulting in sex, it has emerged.
A HABITUAL wearer of gilets has informed all his colleagues that the early autumn chill is the ideal season for the wearing of a gilet.
NOTHING can be as nature intended these days. Women who think they're men. Men who think they're women. The 'gender neutral' lot who claim to be neither when a quick look in their pants would clear it up once and for all.
A MAN has decided sex will be more pleasurable and meaningful if he stares into his partner's eyes throughout it.
LORD Mandelson has prepared his coffin, checked the ancient Cyclus Diabolicus, set an alarm and settled down for when he is next needed.
A CHAMPION of guns has been shot dead by a gun in the land of guns, and 4,000 miles away these British right-wing figureheads are making it all about them.
SOME artists insist on clinging to the same image they had 20 years ago or more, and the results are often distressing. Here are some who need a rethink.
Politics
THE prime minister decided to break the bad news to Angela Rayner that her political career is over with a comforting steak bake.
NADINE Dorries has defected to Reform in order to move on from her feelings for Boris Johnson, she has admitted.
THE deputy prime minister’s stamp duty has provided a valuable warning to the working-classes never to get clever with their money.
KEIR Starmer and Yvette Cooper are boasting of how many Union Jacks they own. Obviously patriotism is directly proportional to flag ownership, so how does your Labour MP fare?
LABOUR? Having a migrant clampdown? Doing one thing and saying the other mate, I should know, I voted for Boris and Brexit. Here’s what’s really happening.
Society
THE first person to arrive at any house party is always someone the hosts already regretted inviting, research has shown.
A MILLENNIAL has accepted his age after attempts to talk about drugs with younger colleagues left him sounding like a police officer.
YOU never thought it would happen to you, but it has: you’ve seen a tweet which could be viewed as an incitement to violence. Time to call the police.
TWO men who hail from shit British towns are locked in argument about whose town of origin is the shittest, onlookers have confirmed.
BRITAIN’S much-hyped Summer of Rage was a disappointing let-down worth only two stars out of five, it has been revealed.
Lifestyle
UNDER-16s will will no longer be able to buy energy drinks, but there’s no reason adults can’t continue to enjoy them responsibly as part of a high-caffeine diet. Here’s how.
RETIRED rail porter Roy Hobbs knows exactly what happens on these so-called girls’ nights, and it’s not just Netflix and ‘a chat about work’. He exposes the truth.
THE UK is now pandering to dog-lovers to the extent there’s barely a place your nasty yapping mutt isn’t allowed. These locations are pathetically dog-friendly.
MEN who insincerely adopt female-friendly behaviours to attract women have been labelled ‘performative males’. However these far better terms exist.
A FRIEND who says they are fine is nevertheless considering moving out of their flat to live on a houseboat, it has emerged.
SEX is widely regarded as extremely enjoyable, unless it’s with you. In which case these activities are suddenly much more appealing.
Sport
THE transfer deadline is upon us, making it imperative your club blows multiple millions on a player with a record of six goals in the Belgian second tier. But who?
RUBEN Amorim’s Manchester United have lost their first game one-nil to a team widely tipped as title contenders and yet he remains in post. Why?
YOUR son’s first football match should be a wonderful bonding experience you’ll treasure forever, but instead all this shit happens.
A MAN with an extensive knowledge of football is patriotically refusing to voice his real views on the quality of yesterday’s penalty shootout.
ENGLAND’S women have admitted they have reached a saturation point of being inspired by the Lionesses’ heroics.
WOMEN are officially much better than men, the Euro 25 final has proved for the second time.
Science & Technology
YOUNG people must be stopped from using VPNs to access online porn, middle-aged people only barred from it by shelf-height and shame have asserted.
A NUMBER of schools have given teenagers conversation lessons to overcome their anxiety about speaking to an actual person about Clearing. Here are some extra tips.
A PHONE with more processing power than our space-faring ancestors had access to has been defeated by a hot afternoon.
THE effect of AI on jobs is expected to be bad. But having said that, there are some professions we’d be happy to see gone forever. Such as these…
Arts & Entertainment
DERIVATIVE pub rockers Radiohead are touring this autumn, in what is expected to be a pale imitation of Oasis’s triumphant comeback.
DWAYNE ‘The Rock’ Johnson, who has been very successful portraying a wall of muscle, now wishes to be a serious actor. He and we will both regret it, as with these.
POP star Sabrina Carpenter’s new album has fans theorising that she may, at some point, have had sexual intercourse. But can we be certain? Let’s examine the evidence.
WILL Taylor Swift’s engagement leave her without crap relationships to write songs about? None of these artists would have enjoyed the same success without miserable love lives.
BOUGHT the latest Deftones album because you were cool once and yearn to be again? The fanbases of these bands cling to youth in the most obnoxious sartorial way possible.
Business
THE Bank of England, learning nothing from Boaty McBoatface, invited the public to send in ideas for a major redesign of banknotes. This is why they wish they hadn’t.
GAMES Workshop has announced its profits are up by a third and its transformation of Britain into a nation of geeks nears completion.
THERE is loose talk of penance. Of ‘having to pay’. But as a person who has done well in life, I believe we cannot punish anyone involved in the Post Office scandal.
POUNDLAND is closing 68 stores, leaving many Britons bereft without their beloved cheap shit retailer. They share their moving stories of how Poundland touched their lives.
A COUPLE who believe that anything is achievable when you’re in deeply in love are proving it by starting a business.
Work
THERE is no better motivation to get promoted, change career or finally start your own business than having an utter arsehole as your manager, experts have confirmed.
THE 3.8 per cent rise in inflation will not trigger any confusing rises in your take-home pay, the UK’s employers have confirmed.
A RETAIL manager accused of gaslighting his staff hit back by outlining a compelling new narrative which proved they had invented the whole thing to hurt him.
HAVE you been working from home and slobbing out in a state of undress due to the warm spell? Prepare to panic when a surprise visit or an Zoom call exposes one of these outfits.
A PAMPERED office worker is daydreaming of ditching his desk job for manual labour that would immediately destroy him.
WORKMATES not got a lot going on? Treat them to every twist in your wild rollercoaster life with regular updates. These methods let you build insights into your life into your day.
Alcohol
WHENEVER a group of diners decide to pay for exactly what each has consumed it is because one of the group got f**king wrecked, it has been confirmed.
SUPERMARKET wine aisles are currently covered with the same ‘Back to School’ promotional displays as aisles selling pencil cases and backpacks.
A MAN believes he has discovered a bold new frontier of nights out by going hard and going home simultaneously.
BLAZING sun compels every Briton to indulge in alcohol at an event designed for same, whether called ‘Trudy’s wedding’ or ‘Glyndebourne’. What’s yours?
A DANGEROUS new novelty drink, BuzzBallz, is sweeping the UK, the media has warned us. So is there any way to prevent this sherry-strength alcopop ruining your life? Try these measures.
