WAGWAN? Man ‘as been in turbo-turmoil dis week, fam. Active J wanted man’s peng form teacher Miss Jackson to see him’s new trim wiv slightly more fade but her did not come in.
THE cost of getting your car serviced depends on what garage staff think of the radio station you are tuned to, it has emerged.
THE Metropolitan Police have hailed footage showing them hiding their racist views for months as a massive step forward for the force.
DO people keep arguing with you whenever you say you support Reform UK? Use it to your advantage by revealing your political allegiance in these challenging situations.
PRINCE William has confided in the tabloid press that he misses his grandmother because unlike his father, brother and Britain, she had a high opinion of him.
DEAR oh dear. The prime minister has exposed his contempt for Britain’s decent, hardworking snake-oil salesmen. Well, I’m not ashamed to say I’m their champion.
LABOUR is set to raise the two-child benefit cap, meaning households can maximise state payouts by adding a third, fourth or fifth child. We weigh up the pros and cons.
A MAN whose dating profiles state he is ‘not sure what he wants right now’ is willing to consider the possibility it could be casual sex.
Politics
THE prime minister has confirmed that digital ID cards will indeed work in tandem with the age verification system which records all the filth you watch.
REFORM UK have announced plans to deport the entire population of the UK then allow them back one by one after screening interviews.
CHARLIE Kirk has been admitted into The Donald Trump Pantheon of American Heroes, but which other Yanks will be on his new Mount Rushmore?
Society
AS ALL non-Londoners and Donald Trump know, Sadiq Khan brought London under sharia law in 2016. One brave resident writes a diary of his daily oppression:
A WITHERING, up-and-down glance from another woman is more validating than any spoken compliment, women have confirmed.
A FORMER resident of Dubai who is now back in Britain doing badly is the toast of his friendship group, they have confirmed.
WHAT is the best university in the country? It’s largely as you’d expect, but we’ve thrown in a few wildcards to con upper middle class kids into spending three years on the Humber.
IT’S almost freshers' week, and as a parent you’ll want to ensure your child is suitably twattish as a student. Here’s how to give them the best start at uni.
IT is fashionable to disparage British traditions, but who among us does not feel a swell of pride as a magnificent Royal carriage dating back to 1902 sweeps by containing a bloated orange pussy-grabber?
Lifestyle
A WOMAN has abandoned her commitment to lose weight after realising she can simply buy clothes in a larger size.
SOME activities bear an inexplicable air of failed marriage about them. Dip your toes in the sad waters of divorce by doing the following.
A MOTHER recounting an incident to her adult daughter ingeniously included not just the race or religion of each character, but made it a key feature.
LADIES are different, but men seem to need to crack one out in the most inopportune of locations and/or circumstances. They will never satisfactorily explain why.
A WOMAN who claims she is happy to watch any TV show or film is only open to doing so until offered options, it has emerged.
IS A man in your life gazing at Wayne Rooney and Rob Brydon with naked envy? Always on websites with a particular follicular bent? These are the stages to watch for.
Sport
BRITISH horse racing is staging a one-day strike, leaving millions of gamblers with no option but to find new wagers. What are you losing a grand on today?
THE transfer deadline is upon us, making it imperative your club blows multiple millions on a player with a record of six goals in the Belgian second tier. But who?
RUBEN Amorim’s Manchester United have lost their first game one-nil to a team widely tipped as title contenders and yet he remains in post. Why?
YOUR son’s first football match should be a wonderful bonding experience you’ll treasure forever, but instead all this shit happens.
A MAN with an extensive knowledge of football is patriotically refusing to voice his real views on the quality of yesterday’s penalty shootout.
ENGLAND’S women have admitted they have reached a saturation point of being inspired by the Lionesses’ heroics.
Science & Technology
AN experiment in taking technology away from teenagers has seen them turn to mead, chainmail, and riding out under the banner of heaven to cleanse heathen lands.
YOUNG people must be stopped from using VPNs to access online porn, middle-aged people only barred from it by shelf-height and shame have asserted.
A NUMBER of schools have given teenagers conversation lessons to overcome their anxiety about speaking to an actual person about Clearing. Here are some extra tips.
A PHONE with more processing power than our space-faring ancestors had access to has been defeated by a hot afternoon.
THE effect of AI on jobs is expected to be bad. But having said that, there are some professions we’d be happy to see gone forever. Such as these…
Arts & Entertainment
A NEW film of Wuthering Heights starring Margot Robbie is essentially a 1990s straight-to-video erotic thriller set in Yorkshire, but not every book is a cinematic bonkbuster ready to happen.
IF you don't 'get' an artist, it's not because they're too clever for you but because, like these guys, they're purveyors of pseudo-intellectual bollocks.
OH, you don’t like the right albums? Then a calm, intellectually grounded explanation of why you should will surely change your benighted mind.
ARE you not connected to Strictly Come Dancing in any way but need to find an excuse for your infidelity? Pin it on the popular BBC series with this guide.
YOU will never be of the calibre of a Disney Princess, but you could be the comparatively ugly friend who gets approached because you’re less intimidating. But whose friend?
SOME artists insist on clinging to the same image they had 20 years ago or more, and the results are often distressing. Here are some who need a rethink.
Business
DESPITE rising petrol prices it remains the only item at motorway service stations an average family can reasonably afford.
THE brands we buy are a reflection of our identity so in purchasing these, you’re admitting you’re a credulous ponce who’ll pay over the odds for bullshit.
THE Bank of England, learning nothing from Boaty McBoatface, invited the public to send in ideas for a major redesign of banknotes. This is why they wish they hadn’t.
GAMES Workshop has announced its profits are up by a third and its transformation of Britain into a nation of geeks nears completion.
THERE is loose talk of penance. Of ‘having to pay’. But as a person who has done well in life, I believe we cannot punish anyone involved in the Post Office scandal.
Work
A MIDDLE manager is experimenting with being pleasant to his staff in a bid to improve their productivity, it has emerged.
ENGLISH teachers likening themselves to Taylor Swift after the star referred to herself as ‘your English teacher’ have been sternly informed they can f**k off.
THERE is no better motivation to get promoted, change career or finally start your own business than having an utter arsehole as your manager, experts have confirmed.
THE 3.8 per cent rise in inflation will not trigger any confusing rises in your take-home pay, the UK’s employers have confirmed.
A RETAIL manager accused of gaslighting his staff hit back by outlining a compelling new narrative which proved they had invented the whole thing to hurt him.
HAVE you been working from home and slobbing out in a state of undress due to the warm spell? Prepare to panic when a surprise visit or an Zoom call exposes one of these outfits.
Alcohol
WAYNE Rooney has admitted drinking throughout his Manchester United career, explaining a great deal. Perhaps these other luminaries were smashed the whole time.
WHENEVER a group of diners decide to pay for exactly what each has consumed it is because one of the group got f**king wrecked, it has been confirmed.
SUPERMARKET wine aisles are currently covered with the same ‘Back to School’ promotional displays as aisles selling pencil cases and backpacks.
A MAN believes he has discovered a bold new frontier of nights out by going hard and going home simultaneously.
BLAZING sun compels every Briton to indulge in alcohol at an event designed for same, whether called ‘Trudy’s wedding’ or ‘Glyndebourne’. What’s yours?
