HELLO there! I’m Oliver O’Connor, a Nottingham primary school teacher, and this is my girlfriend Lucy Parry. But people keep shouting a different name at her in the street.
THE British public has been invited to believe its police forces are so passionately opposed to racism in any form they willingly cover up crimes.
A SHORT afternoon nap will either refresh and recharge you in just 20 minutes or leave you in a stumbling daze for the rest of the day, it has emerged.
A COUPLE who believe that anything is achievable when you’re in deeply in love are proving it by starting a business.
ADVENTUROUS couple Jordan and Sophie Gardner, both 35, are out with 26-year-old Charlotte Phelps. But can this menage a trois even share dessert?
YOU live in a small town of no real note and yet someone has decided you deserve your own music festival. These are the only headliners you can get.
THE nation’s media has settled on ‘sun nuke’ as the phrase of choice to describe the pleasant weather approaching this week.
DADS are struggling with normal life after 24 hours of unbridled Father's Day self-indulgence.
FINALLY Starmer has bowed to public pressure and set up a national inquiry into grooming gangs. And from there, believes Martin Bishop, these actions are inevitable.
Politics
THE government has pledged £14.2bn of its own money to build a new nuclear power plant. What happened to just getting Aldi or whoever to build them?
SICKENING Labour policies hurting ordinary pensioners are bad enough, but U-turning on them? That’s unforgivable. Keep your ire at the appropriate levels with this guide.
ELON Musk has belatedly discovered every friendship with Trump goes the same way: he profits, you lose. These are the stages:
REFORM chairman Zia Yusuf has been asked what on earth he thought Reform represented after resigning over a proposed burqa ban.
Society
THE UK’s least desirable towns and regions have a wealth of affordable housing just waiting for homeowners with low standards.
LONDON mayor Sadiq Khan has been knighted, prompting outrage from gammons. Since they’re utterly obsessed with him, here’s what to sadistically tell them…
WORLD fertility rates are declining across developed countries, and the universal availability of free internet pornography is to blame. Among other reasons.
GETTING married? The list of twats you do not want to invite but must grows longer by the day. You will be paying £135 per head for these wankers.
THE disgrace of having received free school meals is to be extended until the age of 35 by making recipients wear badges.
Lifestyle
A WOMAN has vowed to be a good ally by being bisexual for the entirety of Pride month.
IT’S that time of year when Britons go on a cheap package holiday, have a miserable time and moan about it to the Sun. Here’s what foreigners are forcing them to complain about.
A WOMAN who enjoys stationery as an abstract, decorative concept has been disgusted to see it being used for its assigned purpose.
A WOMAN taking a week’s holiday abroad is weighed down by the expectation that it must be a voyage of emotional exploration and self-discovery.
GOOD morning. Today we’re hearing from Johan, who’s dealing with some unusual horticultural conditions because he’s woken up with a f**king ship in the garden.
Sport
BOOING our own player? Who’s just won the league? Of course we did. And anyone who criticises that doesn’t understand he’s made all Liverpool fans look right dicks.
A 63-YEAR-OLD man has explained to his grandchildren that once, Liverpool were just as successful and twatty about it as Manchester City are today.
COMPETITORS in the London Marathon are running into an actual, physical wall and attempting to grittily push through it.
FOOTBALL fans from chic, sophisticated Paris are currently in Birmingham due to a foul quirk of the Champions League.
GARETH Southgate believes all young people should miss a crucial penalty at a major football championship as a learning experience.
Science & Technology
ELON Musk has turned to his AI chatbot for advice on how to reverse his fortunes, it has emerged.
SEVEN-and-a-half million Britons will be trained in AI by 2030. Your workplace AI course leads you to question the value of this, because here’s what you learned.
GROWING up pre-internet provided a wealth of opportunities to aggravate your family and community that technology has snatched away.
WE have all seen him, admired him and wondered what it takes to become him: the tit buzzing his budget drone around a public park. Follow these rules.
NIGEL Farage has announced that Reform UK is now accepting bitcoin in an attempt to grab the youth weed dealer vote. How much will you be donating?
A MILLENNIAL man has proved he is not hopelessly addicted to his phone by focusing his attention on a completely different screen for a whole 30 minutes.
Arts & Entertainment
AN acclaimed new album by Pulp focuses on the age-appropriate subject of erectile dysfunction for nine of its 11 tracks.
LADY Gaga and Pulp are both rumoured to be performing surprise Glastonbury sets. But the anguish of the audience if these artists strode onstage instead would be a joy.
WAS the last proper book you ever read one you were forced to by teachers when you were 16? These GSCE texts killed your love of literature for life.
LOVE Island is back, and this summer’s contestants are the most homogenous yet. Here they are in ascending order of tiny slivers of individuality.
BEAUTIFUL blonde Billie Piper has immediately become a dad’s most beloved incarnation of the Doctor, he has confirmed.
THERE is a new Banksy out there, and if you can smash the wall it’s on and get the bits home, you’ll be a millionaire! These are the rules.
Work
A TEACHER recognised by his pupils as ‘cool’ is actually a 28-year-old man desperate to be popular with children, it has emerged.
A MAN has brightened after realising that, despite his having masturbated already today, a second go is a distinct possibility.
EVEN the stupid need jobs, and they’re prepared to overlook the long-term consequences entirely if offered enough. Hence these employment opportunities:
BRITONS are thinking about what they would be doing in the sun if they were not basically historical slaves but with computers.
LINKEDIN has confirmed those searching your name on the professional networking site are not doing so to see your recent work activities but for rampant, gleeful self-abuse.
GETTING a group of co-workers to mesh can be a challenge, but you don’t need to waste money on wanky team-building events. Simply appeal to their basest instincts, like this...
Alcohol
A MAN who does not have a single coherent memory of a music festival he spent the weekend at firmly believes he had the time of his life.
KEIR Starmer is allowing pubs to stay open two hours later tonight to celebrate VE Day. Here’s how to show your respect for those who experienced the war by drinking more.
A MAN has looked at the power cut across Spain, considered his options, and decided that in similar circumstances in the UK he would get pissed.
MOCKED as the alcoholic beverages of choice for builders and bus-stop pissheads, these drinks are ripe for gentrification in Shoreditch pop-up bars.
EASTER is less popular with Brits than Christmas or other bank holidays because it’s not a licence to get totally shitfaced. Here’s how to liven it up with games involving alcohol abuse.
