LONDON mayoral candidate Susan Hall has been criticised for a campaign based on unhinged attacks on Sadiq Khan and appearing to hate the capital. Here she shares a last rant before losing.

SO many Tories have defected to Labour over the years they have an initiation ritual modelled on the Hell’s Angels. This is what Dr Dan Poulter will have to endure.

WHO needs a functioning opposition to f**k up a decade in government? Not the SNP! They’ve proved you can do it effectively and stylishly all on your own.

MIDDLE-AGED women seeing 20-something girls dressed in cargo pants, faux fur gilets and bandanas have confirmed that they are delighted by how ugly modern fashions are.  

A WHITE man is so committed to saying sorry for all the crimes of his kind that he effectively is not a white man, he believes.

DO you love Taylor Swift so much you send death threats to people who give her new album a vaguely unfavourable review? You are mad. Like these other obsessives.

PEOPLE suddenly finding the ‘love of their life’ when they are 35, exhausted and realise they cannot afford to buy a house may not just be a big coincidence, experts have confirmed.  

CERTAIN things are the height of cool when you’re in your teens and 20s. But once you hit 30, they quickly become deeply, deeply tragic. Including these.

A MAN who is only able to grow a few wisps of hair from the bottom of his face is not letting it stop him labelling himself as ‘bearded’, it has emerged.

A WOMAN working in an independent record shop is feeling pressured to be extremely attractive in a quirky and unconventional way, she has confirmed.

DOES the minutiae of people’s personal lives somehow fail to grip you? It might be because you’re a man. Here Martin Bishop explains how to be useless at spreading tittle-tattle.

A COUPLE are having a second child because they are already bored rigid of having to play with their first one, they have confirmed.

GARETH Southgate, the most successful England manager since Alf Ramsey, is a miserable failure who lost his country two Euros and a World Cup. Time for him to go?

MANCHESTER United’s reputation among those with zero interest in sport is still that of a world-class team, it has emerged.

A TINY baby in a Liverpool top who has barely supported them during the week since his birth has been accused of chasing clout and trophies.

FOOTBALL is considering the introduction of blue cards but has yet to decide how they should work; the FA just really likes the colour. How would you use them?

SMARTPHONE apps were meant to make life easier but instead add to the general anxiety of it by harassing you constantly. Like these ones.

WHATSAPP loves shit-stirring by telling you a friend has deleted a message. Here’s a reasonable guess at what they said.

BUCKINGHAM Palace has admitted that no such person as ‘Kate Middleton’ ever existed outside of digital imaging software.

SIGNING off an email is a minefield in which you’re always just one word away from metaphorically losing a foot. Here are some of the twattiest sign-offs to avoid.

A HEART-WARMING montage of recent images created by a father’s phone consists almost entirely of pictures of meter readings and Wi-Fi router codes.

A MAN raving about the upsides of DVDs has been swiftly undone by the many headaches of actually trying to watch one, it has emerged.

DYING is the ultimate music marketing tool, sending sales soaring at the negligible cost of a single life. These artists made out like posthumous bandits.

CERTAIN songs are so annoying or inappropriate it’s only fair buskers lose earnings for playing them. Here are some it’s fine to dip into their guitar case for.

BACK when nu-metal ruled the world you ruled with it, young and rebellious and your baseball cap backwards. Now you’re a dad and these bands are boring old dadrock.

A MAN decades younger than you who has already achieved more than you ever will can go and f**k himself, older generations have agreed.

THE Post Office has announced that counterfeit stamps, heavy rain and the Arctic Monkeys’ recent loungecore albums are all postmasters’ fault.

THAMES Water is just as full as shit as the river it is named after and is responsible for pumping human excrement into, analysts have advised.

A JUDGE has ruled that saying ‘back in your day’ to an older colleague could be considered age harassment. Here are some phrases young people had better not say to you, then.

TO stand out in the job market, why not impress on employers that you’re a first-class prick with your job title alone? Any of these should do it.

OFFICE jobs look complicated from the outside, but all they really involve is sending these five emails again and again and again forever.

WALKING to the office printer to make some copies is as fun and relaxing as a fortnight in the Lake District, it has been confirmed.

WORKPLACE safety assessments are finding that the main occupational hazard facing Britons is being around twats all day.

AN emergency plumber with an exorbitant call out fee and a string of desperate clients is feeling more powerful than Zeus, he has confirmed.

ENGLAND has the highest rate of child alcohol consumption of all countries surveyed by the World Health Organisation, but are your children doing their part?

DRINKING sessions are a great way to connect with friends when your inhibitions are down. And also ruin your life by sharing these overly personal admissions. 

INCOME, age, race and class have proved no obstacle to any British citizen’s inalienable right to drink alcohol whenever they want to.

A GROUP of lads out for an all-day session have lapsed into silence after exhausting their stock of ironic football-based banter.

A GROUP of friends meeting for pre-drinks before a night out have found themselves slipping painlessly into serious drinking.

A MAN who had spent all week complaining about a night out he was forced to go on with close friends is deeply annoyed at himself for enjoying it.