International

CHINA last night vowed to destroy the moon after a solar eclipse reduced its industrial productivity by almost one percent.

THE 19 year-old British backpacker found after two weeks in the Australian outback will today be asked to explain why he smells so strongly of prostitutes and gin.

WHILE the world isn't looking, Sarah Palin has summoned an army of goblins, trolls and giant insects to her Alaskan fortress of evil.

THE security services have opened a 24-hour torture centre staffed by low-wage Indian workers, it was claimed last night.

THE world became a safer place last night after the United States and Russia agreed to keep just enough nuclear weapons to kill every living thing on the face of the Earth twice.

PRESIDENT Sarkozy has criticised the wearing of burkas by French muslims, insisting they stop people seeing what an incredibly hot wife you have, if you have one, which he does.

BARACK Obama urged Twitter to postpone a planned upgrade so that Iranians could continue to exchange their meaningless thoughts about television programmes and clothes.

GERMANS are using footage of Gordon Brown to create hilarious spoofs of Hitler's last days in his Berlin bunker, it emerged last night.

POPE Benedict rounded off his historic visit to the Holy Land yesterday by seizing an opportunity to stick it to the Christ-murderers.

POPE Benedict will today visit the scenes of the made-up stories that form the basis of his crazy, voodoo religion.