Lifestyle

Splaintard: Someone who explains something in a way that makes it clear that they themselves do not understand it because they’re stupid.

A WOMAN who liberally douses herself in awful perfume is leaving an invasive trail of scent on everyone she touches, it has emerged.

A RECORD collector who sees a noticeable difference between 'Near Mint' and 'Very Good' is destined to always be alone, it has been confirmed.

A VEGAN birthday cake is just a pile of flour tinged with disappointment and sadness, it has been confirmed.

EXPENSIVE technical wear has turned mild-mannered ramblers into delusional maniacs unable to tell the difference between good and bad, it has been confirmed.

A WOMAN has unveiled plans to spend a delightful weekend curled up in an armchair reading a massive book about shagging.

A COUPLE have finally acquired their dream home by hollowing out an avocado and living inside it.

BRITISH drinkers have confirmed that any alcoholic drink that does not make you vomit, start a fight or urinate in or on furniture is just fizzy pop.

A MAN who completed a DNA test has turned up at work with a bizarre accent.

THE chaos and disruption of an invasion of middle-class mums and their spoilt children makes a Hell’s Angels rampage look like nothing, a cafe owner has claimed.