Animal rights activist didn’t ask permission to film us, say salmon

SOME fish that went viral as part of an animal-rights campaign have complained about the vegans who filmed their farm without permission.

The salmon considered it an invasion of privacy to have their home lives broadcast without any warning, or access to psychological support.

Salmon, Bill McKay said: “It’s an act of cruelty by those activists – we just weren’t ready for the Facebook fame.

“Also, two of my friends were caught on camera, doing it.

“If they’re going to be stars of a sex tape, they ought to be rewarded properly.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Elderly rich white men almost ready to sort this shit out

A GANG of elderly rich white men are just about ready to step in and sort out this mess that was definitely not the fault of any elderly rich white men. 

Following yesterday’s parliamentary rebellion against the government, men who have been in power for decades are determined to solve the terrible problems built up over the last few decades.

Nathan Muir of Nuneaton said: “Well, thank God somebody stepped up.

“This Oliver Letwin, whoever he is, is a bloody hero. Name does seem familiar. There was a fella called that involved with the poll tax, I seem to remember. Must be a different one.

“And all these other MPs, with their wealth and their private educations, will surely be able to fix these terrible issues which have arisen because of the systemic dysfunction caused by over-representation of the wealthy and privately educated.

“Yes, I have complete confidence that Parliament, which always acts in my interests and is never pursuing any agenda of its own, will settle this Brexit business entirely to my satisfaction.”

Julian Cook, Conservative member for Wiltshire North, said: “So, we need to do what we want while making it briefly look like it’s what they wanted. Thoughts?”