Disabled Identity Thieves Get NHS Help Dogs

DISABLED identity thieves are to get assistance dogs on the NHS to help them lead more independent criminal lives, The Daily Mash can reveal. 

Identity theft has proved a big hit with wheelchair bound thieves as the vast majority of the criminality can be done over the internet and from home.

However, some disabled fraudsters still have difficulties in getting out to the cash-point to empty their victim's bank accounts of funds, which is where the specially trained canine miscreants, or “delinquent dogs”, come in.

Sue Townend, of the National Criminal Canine League, said the dogs' skill at fraudulent cash machine use was a vital lifeline for disabled criminals.

“Why should someone be denied the chance to live a full and active life of crime just because they have different physical capabilities than others? Disabled people are sick of being stereotyped as criminal masterminds, stuck back at the office dreaming up blags while stroking a big white cat. They want to go out robbing just like anyone else.”

Roger Morton, a full-time cat burglar until he injured himself while attempting a job on the 13th floor of a block of high-rise flats, said he was enjoying a whole new lease of lawlessness since he was introduced to his criminal canine companion Ronnie.

He said: “After my accident I was very depressed. I thought my days as a crook were over and I was resigned to having to go straight and live off benefits like everyone else in Glasgow.

“But then I heard about these delinquent dogs. I got in touch with the charity that trains them, and before you know it Ronnie was here, and I was back pilfering, with the dog helping me collect my ill-gotten gains.

“Ronnie is a very special dog. Not only is he my partner in crime but he is also my best friend. I really don’t know what I would do if he got arrested. Most likely say I had never seen him before and then get another one.”

Morton said Ronnie was a lovely natured dog and a great thief. “He’s just perfect. He’s a golden retriever and no one would suspect a posh dog like that of being on the rob.

“They offered me a Jack Russell or a lurcher first, the twats. You might as well put a stripey jumper and a mask on the hound and send him down the high street with a bag marked swag. What were they thinking?”

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Halfwits To Be Banned From Using The Phone

HALFWITS, cretins and morons are to be denied access to the telephone system as part of a government crackdown on TV quizzes.

Home Secretary John Reid is to introduce emergency legislation which will ban anyone deemed to be an imbecile from even picking up a handset.

Television companies are currently raking in more than £17 billion a year from Britain's 28 million idiots through quizzes that would fail to test the intellectual capacity of a goose.

A typical TV quiz scam will involve an easy question such as:What was Queen Victoria's first name?

Was it? (a) Queen (b) Victoria or (c) Robert Mugabe.

Viewers then phone in and wait on the line for two hours at £7.50 a minute before being cut off. Just before the line goes dead, callers can hear the bellowing laughter of the company executives.

Under the new law anyone phoning a quizline will be disconnected immediately and will not be allowed access to a telephone until they have read at least one book by Stephen Fry.