Your Astrological Week Ahead

Taurus (20 APR-20 MAY)

Now is a great time for trying out new things. Why not have a go at sex?

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)

Are your lover's once quirky and cute habits now driving you bonkers? Tell him to set fire to his own farts for a change.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)

Work is getting you down, and you are feeling pretty low. Go to a bar, get drunk, and sleep with a stranger. Now that feels much better, doesn’t it?

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)

Remember that hottie you met on vacation last summer? She’s been thinking about you too! She’s changed her name, cut off all ties with her family and friends and had major facial surgery. Playing hard to get? That’s such a turn-on!

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)

A good friend is starting to see you in a different light. What are they doing driving round and round that part of town at this time of night?

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)

Never underestimate the power of home cooked meal to wow that special person. Don’t forget to make an erotic pudding, but use a small banana to avoid disappointment later over the size of your cock.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)

If you've been thinking about asking out someone new, now's the time. That burning sensation when you urinate? It’s nothing to worry about!

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)

Take some time today to reflect on all that you have achieved in your life so far. That’s quite enough!

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)

You're feeling extra generous right now, so why not do a friend a favour and stop sleeping with her husband? Or just buy her lunch instead.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)

Today you will find yourself in a situation where another person's feelings could easily get hurt. Enjoy!

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)

Your new love interest is sending you conflicting messages. Yesterday he said ‘hello and welcome to the six o’clock news’ and today he said ‘It’s six o’clock and here is the news’. Go round to his apartment, cut off his head and leave it somewhere in a box.

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GMTV Viewers Lose Billions Of Braincells

BREAKFAST television viewers have unwittingly lost billions of brain cells in the last four years by watching early morning shows, a Daily Mash investigation can reveal. 

Many people tuned in to GMTV genuinely hoping for enlightenment, unaware that all informative content had been removed from the show long before they switched on.

Some paid out enormous amounts of attention to the programme, gambling that they might glean at least one useful fact.

Instead all they got was John Stapleton and Fiona Philips talking to that one who used to be in Eastenders about her hysterectomy.

According to calculations by The Daily Mash, GMTV have viewers lost as many as 10,000 billion brain cells between them since 2003, that’s enough to fill an Olympic sized swimming pool, or wipe out the cerebral cortex of a large herd of elephants.

Phyllis Brigham, 65, said she had fully expected to enrich her mind through watching GMTV and she was shocked to learn that there was never a chance this would occur.

Instead the constant diet of inane celebrity chat had turned her mind to goo, and she now required help to go the toilet.

She said: “Hello dear, what? I’m sorry you’ll have to ask that again, I don’t think too good these days. Could you take to me to the lavvie?”

A GMTV spokesman said it had never been the broadcasters intention to deceive its audience and promised a full refund of braincells for each viewer.

He said GMTV bosses were entirely unaware that all useful information has been taken out of the programmes before broadcast. “Obviously they don't watch it," he said. "Would you?"