Cat's morality deeply Old Testament

A DOMESTIC cat derives his code of ethics from the uncomplicated, wrathful God of the first half of the Bible, it has emerged.

Tortoiseshell Ryan Whittaker may only be two years old, but his morals originate in ancient religious doctrine unhampered by weak New Testament concepts like forgiveness or forbearance.

Whittaker said: “F**k that bollocks. It’s eye-for-an-eye, tooth-for-a-tooth for me.

“It’s always proportional, though. If you accidentally step on my tail, I shit in your laundry basket. If you’re five minutes late with my dinner, I claw the sofa to shreds. Simple, back-to-basics stuff.”

Ryan has also learned from the Old Testament God’s behaviour and models himself on some of the examples set by the deity.

He continued: “What he did to that guy Job was genius. I try and follow the same teachings for my owners and put them through the maximum level of suffering to test their faith and refine their characters.

“And it works. No matter how many family heirlooms I casually knock off the mantlepiece, they still come crawling back to feed me and coo over how handsome I am. Pathetic.”

Owner Julian Cook said: “I wouldn’t say we live in constant terror. Well, not to his face, anyway.”

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Googling your exact crime beforehand: Six mistakes every moron in a true crime documentary makes

THE true crime genre has exploded recently, but in these shows dense criminals always make the same mistakes to help the police out. Here are the things they can’t stop doing.

Googling your exact crime beforehand

You’d have to be pretty stupid to leave a digital footprint of your crime, so the average true crime criminal will Google ‘how to commit murder?’ immediately followed by ‘how to dismember a body’. Then it’s a quick look on the Mrs Hinch website for a page about cleaning up blood and Google Maps to scout for quiet places to bury a corpse. They could just hand themselves in to the police and cut out the middleman.

Murdering someone you know

Every cop show from Columbo to Rosemary & Thyme goes on about the fact that you’re most likely to be murdered by someone you know. So the mysterious death of your partner is getting solved in ten seconds flat. Plus, even if you get away with it, it’s going to make family gatherings a bit awkward from now on: ‘Steve, could you pass the gravy, you f**king monster?’ 

Forgetting CCTV exists

So you’ve just shot your entire family over breakfast. What you should do next is drive to a massive hardware shop on a busy retail park and be seen, clear as a bell, on 40 CCTV cameras. Obviously you later tell the judge and jury you were just popping in for a few regular household supplies: a rotary saw, 40 metres of plastic sheeting and 15 gallons of bleach. It’s not the 50s, you know. You could have got away with loads of murders then.

Helping with the search

If you want to look deeply suspicious, throw yourself wholeheartedly into the police search for the person you bludgeoned to death with a hammer a few days before. To really raise eyebrows, loiter around the lead investigators asking questions. To speed up the process of your arrest, give an emotional but badly-acted interview to the local TV news where you accidentally talk about the missing person in the past tense.

Being poor

If you’re from a hick town in rural Arkansas, let’s face it, you’re going down for this crime whether you did it or not. You’ll immediately confess to any old shit because you’re thick, and only try to recant when your solicitor arrives. Because you’re not a 19-year-old rich kid, you can’t hire top-dollar lawyers who’ll get you off even if everyone knows you killed that hooker and you regularly tell people you threw the body down a mineshaft. And give them guided tours. 

Keeping the same MO 

One for the serial killers. A great way to get put away forever is to keep doing the same thing so the cops can link your crimes. Did you learn nothing from the Wet Bandits at the end of Home Alone? The same goes for keeping mementoes. Sure, a driver’s licence or pair of frilly knickers might seem like a good thing to pinch at the time, but it’s not exactly smart, is it? Still, at least you disposed of the knife you used, so when the police search your home they find a block of IKEA knives with the very massive one conspicuously missing. Genius.