ENCOUNTERED a cat on the street but do not know how to react? Keep calm and follow these step-by-step actions laid down by overexcited girlfriends.
Shriek
Upon spotting a cat, you should maturely acknowledge its presence by letting out an ear-piercing shriek that will shatter any nearby windows. Hand flailing and foot stomping is permitted but not compulsory as it may scare the cat away. That’s if your banshee-like screech of excitement hasn’t caused it to flee in terror already.
Go over to it
So what if the cat is on the other side of the road and you’re having a serious heart-to-heart with your partner? Leave them and blithely walk through busy traffic in order to say hello. Don’t waste precious time waiting for the green man, if you walk confidently enough drivers will slam on the breaks while shouting at you and blaring their horns.
Invent a new language
Normal human modes of speech and syntax are not appropriate when meeting a cat. Instead, you need to talk to it like it’s a baby, make strange noises that sound a bit like a kiss, and use made up words to describe how cute its lubbly ickle pawsies are. This will not impress the cat in the slightest, but rules are rules.
Touch it in all the wrong places
Manhandling a cat is a delicate procedure. The top of the head can be scratched, so too can the spaces behind the ears and beneath the chin. As for anywhere else, you’re taking your life in your hands. That’s unless you’re an overexcited girlfriend, who will heavy-handedly stroke the curious shape its back has arched into or its fiercely protected belly. Remember to joyfully power through the clawing.
Claim to have made a new friend
Ignore how the cat is hissing, swiping at you and angrily backing away. These are simply its silly ways of saying it likes you, so you can now call it a friend. If it darts up a tree or dashes off the second you look away, that’s because the cat can’t handle the size of its love for you and not because it hates you.
