Stanley Johnson to be honoured for his services to twattery

STANLEY Johnson is to be knighted in recognition of his immense contribution to the world of twattery, it has been confirmed.

Britons say that the ludicrous idea of Boris Johnson’s dad receiving a knighthood makes complete sense now it has been revealed he will be recognised on the grounds of his atrocious personality and behaviour.

A spokesperson for Buckingham Palace commented: “At first we couldn’t believe the cheek of Stanley Johnson being on the honours list. But when we learned why he’d been put forward we were like, fair enough. He’s earned it.

“From sexual harassment to domestic abuse to blatantly flouting Covid rules, Stanley Johnson has proved himself to be a peerless twat time and time again. Not to mention all the work he put in for future generations by siring Boris. The man’s an inspiration to twats everywhere.

“Even the way he’s been nominated has all the hallmarks of a world-leading twat. Getting your power-crazed twat of a son to do it for you? Exquisite. I wonder if he’s passed on his twat genes to his indeterminate number of grandkids?

“But of course, for every winner there are also losers. So commiserations to Matt Hancock, Piers Morgan, Andrew Tate and Jordan Peterson. Chin up, guys, there’s always next year.”

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'Immersive experience' turns out to be play where you can't sit down

A COUPLE who attended a ridiculously expensive immersive experience discovered it is essentially a piece of theatre where you have to to walk around a lot.

Tom Booker and Eleanor Shaw were seduced by the marketing hype generated by the ‘once-in-a-lifetime’ interactive event, but soon realised it meant hours of traipsing about in the dark when they were knackered after work.

Tom Booker said: “We thought it would be fun to do something different, but it turned out to be a confusing play with no real beginning or end, and without easy access to a bar, which is ultimately the thing that makes leaving the house worth it.

“Wandering around a spooky warehouse was fun for a bit, but I’d rather the story played out before my eyes without me having to search for it, having already travelled miles to an ex-industrial site in the arse end of London.

“In hindsight, I’d rather go and see The Lion King. It costs a third of the price, I know all the songs, and can enjoy the luxury of remaining immobile for three blissful hours.”