A Scottish guide to Boris Johnson

THAT new ‘thing’ the English are calling their prime minister is visiting Scotland. Here’s how to prepare youself: 

It’s no a joke
Remember Braveheart, when the English were depicted as inbred, effete aristocrats with no conception of their own towering idiocy? Despite all appearances he’s not just been sent to troll us. He’s their actual leader.

He’s lying
In recent years it’s become widely accepted that not every word every English person says is a lie. That’s not the case with this one. All the old rules apply. And most especially when he says he will unite the country, by which he means shut the f**k up.

They actually think he’s tough
I know. But there’s honestly a whole load of English people who believe that this is a ‘hard man’. They really believe that Europe will be scared of him. Amazing.

We won’t be seeing him again
Once the scarecrow’s finished his tour, lumping us in with Wales and Northern Ireland as if we weren’t a proud independent nation and they weren’t cringing curs, he won’t be back. He only wants us to stay in the UK so the Queen won’t get really f*cked off.

His head will be our football
We’ll have his head as our football soon enough. He’ll balls up this Brexit, we’ll secede from the UK, they’ll have another of their nancy little civil wars, he’ll flee up here to live in exile on one of Trump’s golf courses, we’ll have a few tins and do what comes naturally.

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'You can have it all' confirms man who squeezed in two wanks before work

MEN can ‘have it all’ according to a 38-year-old who managed to masturbate twice before work.

Wayne Hayes has carved out a career as a high-flying marketing executive while also pursuing his dream of pleasuring himself as much as humanly possible.

Hayes explained: “Men always think they have to choose, either having a career or jerking off, but that’s just not the case.

“It’s all about time management and wanting it enough. You’ve got to be willing to stretch yourself, and I don’t just mean just your foreskin. But yes, I do also mean your foreskin.

“Some men think they have to be ‘stay-at-home’ wankers who live off their wives because they don’t think they can hold down a job and find time for a cheeky hand shandy.

“But there are some simple things you can do. For example, I convinced my wife to let me turn the second bedroom into a ‘study’.”

Hayes’ wife Sandra added: “I know what he’s doing in there. He has a serious problem.”