How to dress for your Gammon body shape

BEING a Gammon is tough enough with traitors trying to reverse Brexit, but many Gammons also are not completely satisfied with their body shape.

There is nothing you can do about your Gammon head, but follow these tips and you can take back control of your Gammon body.

A classic ‘blob’ shape can be exasperating as you’re not really a shape at all, just a pile of sausage meat congealed into a ball. Try an open-collared white shirt and some boot-cut jeans, then at least people will assume you’re human.

While most Gammons yearn for your slim, elegant arms, your portly beer gut makes you look distinctly amphibian. Wear an outfit that balances out the proportions of your frame, like an open collared white shirt and some boot-cut jeans.

The ‘slug’ is similar to the ‘blob’ except with a taller, more sultry frame. Simple fluid lines will make the most of your mollusc-like silhouette, such as an open collared white shirt and some boot-cut jeans.

On the one hand, you look like a turd, but on the other you’ve drunk so much warm ale, who really gives fuck? Pull on your open collared white shirt and boot-cut jeans and head down to the golf club to drink yourself to death while the country tears itself apart.

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Yorkshire should be an independent state, says rest of UK

THE county of Yorkshire should become an independent state, the rest of the UK has urged.

Campaigner Kate Logan said: “Yorkshire will of course get its own parliament, although nothing would get done because they’d be too busy tossing each other off over how great they are.

“They’d say things like ‘My honourable friend, I put forward a motion that the sun shines directly out of all our anuses’ and it would get passed unanimously while their economy goes into recession”.

Professor Henry Brubaker, from the Institute for Studies, said “For everyone else, the county they grew up in is just that, the county they grew up in. But for people from Yorkshire it’s some sort of magical paradise that gives them godlike powers.

“To be fair, Yorkshire’s economy is twice the size of Wales but then again so is the ego of one single Yorkshireman.

“Sure, you’ve given the world the Yorkshire pudding. And we’re so thankful for that. But how does that give you the confidence of a man who’s shat himself on a first date and still expects to get laid?”