Ask Holly: Doing stunts and getting off with fit birds is all very well but I want a new challenge

Dear Holly,

I’ve had enough playing the role of James Bond. Doing mad stunts and getting off with fit birds is all very well but I am looking for an exciting new challenge where the writing is fresh and not part of a repetitive and stale commercial carousel which should have been shelved years ago. I hear there’s a vacancy at the Queen Vic. Do you think I should go for it?

Daniel 

M16 Headquarters,

London

Dear Daniel,

You should take a leaf out of Harry Styles’ book. Most people just think he is a useless boy band git. But that really respected musician from Snow Patrol who writes real music with pianos in it who no-one has heard of says that Harry has hidden depths so it must be true. Aside from being a musical genius, Harry can beat Garry Kasparov at chess and Stephen Hawking is always on the phone to him begging for advice about Quantum Theory. Just now he is working on a classified project with NASA to send Zayn Malik into space. So we must all take him seriously when his new solo album comes out later this year.

Hope that helps,

Holly 

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Chelsea signs contract to stay with John Terry

CHELSEA FC is to remain part of John Terry for a further 12 months, despite rumours that the club was considering a move to the North American League.

A club spokesman said: “Before joining John Terry in 1998, Chelsea had no history to speak of. We scratched around the old first division and considered ourselves lucky to finish in the top 12.

“It was only when John Terry gave us a chance that we began to compete seriously for silverware, winning the FA Cup, the Premier League and later the Champions League.

“We still think we have something to offer John Terry off the pitch, in terms of coaching and maybe offering career guidance to younger Terries such as his son Georgie as they come through.

“In the meantime, we’re grateful that John Terry has offered us a testimonial match at his Stamford Bridge stadium.”

John Terry said: “I’d like to thank Chelsea FC for the sterling service they have provided John Terry these last 20 years.

“However, they must realise that no club is bigger than John Terry.”