Minor achievement rewarded with three-day bender

A MAN has embarked on a three-day drinking bender to reward himself for a relatively small life achievement, it has emerged.

Tom Booker began the marathon drinking session last night after finding out that he had a job interview for a junior position at some bullshit PR company.

He said: “I mean, it’s a big deal getting a job interview.

“Sending in my CV took real effort, and the cover letter introducing myself was a bitch to write, so why shouldn’t I reward myself by drinking a litre of vodka, 20 pints of lager and several bottles of Jacob’s Creek over a 72 hour period?

“After all, I can’t be going on three-day sauce benders when I’m working a nine to five at this amazing company. Well, except  those times when I just feel like calling in sick and going on a three-day bender.”

Booker plans to continue drinking until Saturday evening, leaving himself some time to partially recover before his two-stage interview on Monday at 9am.

He added: “I must remember to iron a shirt if I’m not too fucked.”

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Woman believes in life after death but not in a ridiculous Christian way

A WOMAN is convinced there is life after death but without the unfashionable Christian elements, she has revealed.

Office worker Nikki Hollis believes her vague notion of consciousness living on ‘somehow’ is more plausible than a traditional God-based heaven of the type her nan believes in.

Hollis said: “Heaven and angels are obviously bollocks, but I don’t like the idea of being dead. It makes all the things you’ve done in your life seem pointless – watching a beautiful sunset, falling in love, revising for your GCSEs.

“Although I’m not religious I do have my own belief system which is based on yoga, emotions and looking at pictures of dolphins on the internet.

“Therefore I prefer to believe that when you die your spirit – or whatever – leaves your body and floats around the cosmos forever, as a form of ‘energy’. I think energy is a good word because it sounds like science.

“I think the afterlife looks like a nice farmhouse in Tuscany, like in a yoghurt advert.

“It’s something to look forward to, unless I do a murder in which case my spirit will of course have to haunt graveyards scaring teenagers.”