Ask Holly: My once promising career has come to nothing

Dear Holly,

Me and a few former colleagues are having a reunion and I’m all paranoid because I’m old and past my prime and my once promising career has come to nothing. The last few years I’ve mostly been getting stoned and eating biscuits, and they’re all going to laugh at me, especially Bobby the Banana. Should I just sack the whole thing and stay home and watch Escape to the Country with a bucket meal?

Edd the Duck

Salford

Dear Edd the Duck,

Did you know that children’s’ TV used to only be on for a couple of hours a day? What the hell did everyone do for the other 22 hours? And did you also know you only had a choice between the BBC or ITV and no other channels because Nickelodeon hadn’t even been invented by Tim Berners-Lee? And did you know it was obligatory to have at least one rubbish puppet and someone with a mullet getting ‘gunged’ in every single programme? No wonder middle-aged people are all depressed alcoholics, constantly bringing our society to the brink of war: they were COMPLETELY deprived of Doc McStuffins. Without Doc we would have no-one to teach us compassion and rudimentary veterinary medicine. Such a terrible tragedy for the older generation.

Hope that helps,

Holly

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Vlogger puzzled by how she makes money from this crap

A VIDEO blogger is baffled by how she makes large sums of money from her trivial and amateurish YouTube videos.

Internet personality Nikki Hollis has revealed she hates humanity after becoming rich by holding up products in front of a webcam in her bedroom while sounding like a cretin.

Hollis said: “Why would anyone buy a vastly overpriced salad spinner because some twat on the internet says her cat thinks it’s cool? None of this makes sense.

“Even if the thinly-veiled selling in my videos doesn’t put you off, you’d think people would get sick of the lousy sound quality and hellish catchphrases like ‘mucho-mega-tastic.’

“Recently I featured some piece-of-shit gadget that clips two iPhones together for no reason and 48 hours later Amazon had sold out.

“It is fucked up.”

Fan Emma Bradford said: “I think of Nikki as a friend, a really close friend who sells you things you don’t want in a slightly devious way.”