Ask Holly: What's the best way of taking off leather trousers?

Dear Holly,

What’s the best way of taking off leather trousers? Whenever I try to remove myself from them I end up frantically writhing about on the floor like a demented lizard: prone and humiliated, and yet still no closer to negotiating an exit point.



Dear Theresa,

I’ve no idea about leather trousers but in our school nativity I’m sheep number seven. I don’t have any actual lines but I’m planning to say ‘baaaaa’ really loudly over and over again whenever Mary says anything, just to show that sheep are so much better than the mother of the Messiah. Who wants to be Mary anyway? You have to dress up like a nun and hold hands with Joseph whose hands are always in his pants or covered in bogies. So what if every other little girl in the whole world wants to be Mary. Not me, I’d much rather be on all fours pretending to do poos everywhere.

Hope that helps,


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Pissheads enjoying Christmas 'camouflage'

CHRISTMAS is providing excellent ‘camouflage’ for people who are shitfaced all year round, they have revealed.

Big drinkers have welcomed the way Christmas makes it socially acceptable to drink excessively and at unusual times of day.

Sales manager Roy Hobbs said: “People keep inviting me over to drink in the afternoon, which is great because I don’t have to think up a lame excuse like celebrating the cat’s birthday.

“My wife and I are getting wankered every night without embarrassment by getting out the Twiglets, inviting a random neighbour round and calling it ‘Christmas drinkies’.

“At work I can get wasted every lunchtime because people keep going to the pub for half the afternoon. If it was Christmas all the time I’d probably really enjoy work, apart from the cirrhosis.

“No one notices you’re a bit worse for wear in the office because they’re not used to daytime drinking and can barely press the buttons on their phones.

Teacher Emma Bradford said: “The fact that I am slurring drunk at most social events barely gets noticed at Christmas.

“Also if you need ‘a little lie down’ people think you’re tired from gift shopping, not that the room’s spinning like an out-of-control fighter jet.”