Ask Holly: Would Samuel Pepys have taken a belfie?

Dear Holly,

Everyone thinks that the release of my new book of selfies which someone who I pay to think for me has wittily entitled Selfish, means that I am nothing but vacant and vain in equal measure. Just because I am completely inarticulate to the point of literally, like, literally, doesn’t mean I can’t be allowed to express my intense love of myself over the years through autobiographical photography rather than actual literal words. If Samuel Pepys had owned an iPhone there’s no way he would have had time to write anything down because he would have been far too busy taking belfies and photobombing the Great Fire of London. Wouldn’t he?

Kim

Los Angeles

Dear Kim,

People are so funny about selfies, but us primary school kids love them. My teacher, Mrs Dodkins says it’s because we’re generally all self-obsessed little cretins with access to powerful technology but no sense of humility, whatever that means. Mrs Dodkins is probably just grumpy because that video of her twerking at the school disco went viral.

Hope that helps!

Holly

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Clegg happy to carry on being The Gimp

NICK Clegg has confirmed his role in any future coalition will be The Gimp.

The Lib Dem leader said he would bring ‘something vital’ to either a Labour or Tory led administration by continuing to be ‘a disturbing but also rather pathetic creature who will simply stand and watch’.

Launching his party’s manifesto, he added: “I’m not a bad motherfucker, a clumsy hitman, a washed-up boxer or a no-nonsense clean-up expert.

“I’m not a sexy moll who loves to dance, or a terrifying drug baron who gets sodomised by a maniac. I am simply The Gimp.”

“Every coalition needs a trusty gimp. I will put the national interest first and once again don my tight, black leather mask and watch as Britain is tied to a chair and has a red ball gag shoved in its mouth.

“I promise I won’t say a word.”