'Dear Holly: How can I convince Big Theresa to give me my referendum fix?' Nicola, Edinburgh

Dear Holly,
After the last Scottish independence referendum I woke up the next day and swore: never again. But it’s been a while… surely I’ve shown I’ve got willpower? So, what’s another little referendum going to do? I just want the one; just one teeny tiny little referendum and then I swear I’ll be off them for good. How can I convince Big Theresa to give me my referendum fix?

Dear Nicola,
There are lots of ways to get what you want, but you could try saying ‘oh pleeeeeeease’ in a really whiny annoying voice over and over again until your mummy can’t take it anymore. If that doesn’t work, you could try asking at a time when your mummy is distracted, like when she has started on the wine and is slagging someone off to your Auntie Sheila, or while she’s watching Poldark; and if you’re STILL not successful, just go and ask your daddy.Hope that helps!

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Shopper who’s never been to Waitrose still names it as her favourite supermarket

A WOMAN who has never visited a Waitrose still claimed it was her favourite supermarket in a consumer survey, she has admitted. 

Eleanor Shaw, from Stafford, chose the top-end supermarket because everything she has heard about it fits perfectly with the person she aspires to be.

She said: “Well I could hardly say Asda.

“Waitrose has that lovely green logo, they have all the ingredients for every Nigel Slater recipe and coffee’s free in the cafe. Plus, it’s just better isn’t it? Nicer. You don’t get those ‘types’.

“I’ve not been because the nearest one’s 40 minutes away but I don’t think that stops me being a Waitrose woman at heart. It’s just a temporary geographical issue.”

She added: “One day I’ll go and it’ll be as if we’ve always known each other. Like soulmates, but with a shop.”

Later that day, Shaw visited the Waitrose online shopping experience and said: “Three quid for cherry tomatoes? Go fuck yourselves.”