Dear Holly, I can't be arsed being royal anymore

Dear Holly,
I’ve decided I can’t be arsed being royal anymore. I’d much rather live life as a lowly pleb in a tiny house with a rubbish car and a dreadful job, bearing a substantial amount of debt due to payday loans and a marriage under pressure as a result of constant financial worries and a couple of ungrateful brats draining the last of my cash just to stay alive.  But then, the grass is always greener, I suppose.

Dear Harry,
It’s such a shame that Daniel Day Lewis has retired. He’d make a great king because he would do that method acting and go and live in Buckingham palace for a few months to really get a feel for the role and start speaking like the Queen in that squeaky posh voice and dye his hair a bit ginger and wear prosthetic ears and a Barbour jacket so everyone forgets it’s Daniel Day Lewis and starts really believing he’s the King of England but then he might start improvising and decide he wants to imprison people in the Tower of London and that escalates quickly to public beheadings and starting a war with France and then everyone gets the Plague and dies. So on reflection, maybe it’s best he’s retiring.
Hope that helps,

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Parenting 'a doddle', confirms aunt who has been babysitting for half an hour

CHILDREN are a lot easier to look after than everyone makes out, according to an aunt who has completed a trouble-free half hour. 

Nikki Hollis began looking after her three-year-old niece Emilia earlier this morning and has already concluded that parenting is actually pretty simple.

She said: “My sister goes on and on about how exhausting and stressful it is. She always was a whiner.

“We’ve played in the garden, eaten some fruit and read part of a book. Em’s been an angel. I guess some people just don’t have the knack.”

Hollis plans to continue her role as an inspirational aunt over a lunch prepared by her sister and hopes by the end of the day to have taught her niece to read.

She is expected to be discovered at the end of the day – following Emilia’s violent, screaming tantrum and outright refusal to sleep – smoking out of the bathroom window while her niece eats chocolate buttons in front of ‘whatever the fuck is on Netflix’.