I might dye my hair brown like proper politicians

Dear Holly,

My political career is really gathering speed these days, but I’m not sure everyone takes me seriously – just because I’m a beautiful blond doesn’t mean I’m a bimbo. I was thinking I might dye my hair dark brown like all the other proper politicians so that they might stop asking me to make the tea and calling me sugar tits. What do you think?

Boris Johnson


Dear Boris,

Your mummy probably sat you down at some point and promised you that looks don’t matter because it’s what’s inside that counts. Well, take it from me she is LYING, and following her advice will, at best, result in your rubbish Asda school coat and dodgy haircut getting showered in gob.

Hope that helps,