I might dye my hair brown like proper politicians

Dear Holly,

My political career is really gathering speed these days, but I’m not sure everyone takes me seriously – just because I’m a beautiful blond doesn’t mean I’m a bimbo. I was thinking I might dye my hair dark brown like all the other proper politicians so that they might stop asking me to make the tea and calling me sugar tits. What do you think?

Boris Johnson


Dear Boris,

Your mummy probably sat you down at some point and promised you that looks don’t matter because it’s what’s inside that counts. Well, take it from me she is LYING, and following her advice will, at best, result in your rubbish Asda school coat and dodgy haircut getting showered in gob.

Hope that helps,


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Royals ‘not held to normal standards of amusingness’

THE Royal family does not have to try as hard as ordinary people to be considered funny, it has been claimed.

“Oh Charles, you are such a one”

Britons are increasingly angry about the double standards applied to the Windsor family, for whom the most minor gaffe or quip is a source of side-splitting hilarity.

Office worker Donna Sheridan said: “When Prince Harry was giving a speech and his notes blew away everyone laughed their heads off. But when I dropped some photocopier paper yesterday there wasn’t so much as a titter.

“Then I saw Prince Charles visiting a flower show where it was raining and when he said ‘Good weather for ducks!’ everyone fell about laughing like the audience at a Steve Martin gig.

“So when it rained this morning I said ‘Good weather for ducks!’ too, but my boss just went ‘Mmn’.

“I’ve also tried a hair net in a factory, making mildly xenophobic comments and playing croquet, none of which raised the faintest smile.

“Frankly I’m sick of there being one amusingness rule for the Royal family and another for the rest of us. I think we should shoot them and become a republic.”

Teacher Stephen Malley said: “Professional comedians like Jack Dee spend years fine-tuning their act, then Kate Middleton comes along and everyone pisses themselves if she pretends to flirt with a pensioner.

“Also if you look closely, some people are laughing but their eyes are dead. Because Prince William playing rounders isn’t really the funniest thing they’ve ever seen.”