I need a refresher course in the Scottish tongue

Dear Holly,

I’m a bit worried about my upcoming debate with Alex Salmond over Scottish independence. It’s not that I can’t argue my case; far from it, it’s just I can’t understand a damn word these jocks are saying. Despite hailing from the land of brawling and tablet myself, I can do longer do the tribal argot. Is it possible to get a refresher course in Scottish before we commence?

Alistair Darling


holly2111111Dear Alistair,

The only Scottish person I know is that ginger girl from Woolly and Tig on CBeebies. If she is anything to go by, all Scottish people are absolutely insane and have to consult with an annoying Cockney spider before they make any major decisions. Also, did you know that Scottish people say ‘wee’ instead of ‘small’. What I want to know is, how do they know when they are talking about size as opposed to using the toilet? It must get very confusing for the Scottish nation. No wonder they need guidance from a spider.

Hope that helps!