It's like Charles Manson for Generation Y times a million percent

Dear Holly,
I accidentally saw the news headlines for the first time ever the other day and was horrified to discover that there’s bad shit going on in the world. As a major celebrity, I can’t help but think I could be doing something more to help, like giving free copies of my latest album, ‘Angels and Demons’ to the Syrian people or something. What do you suggest?
Peter Andre
East Grinstead

Dear Peter,
Don’t worry, Harry Styles has it all under control. Just one flutter of his pretty little eyelashes and an angry, baying army of pre-pubescent girls is willing to wreak pain and suffering on anyone who gets in the way. It’s like Charles Manson for Generation Y times a million percent. Up until now, us Directioners have focused mostly on soft targets like Taylor Swift and Cara Delevigne, but there’s no reason why this powerful force can’t be more strategically deployed as a kind of terrifying hormonal fighting machine to back up boots on the ground in any of the problem regions of the world. Bashir al-Assad and Kim Jong-un will wish they’d never been born when we’re getting all up in their dictatorial faces on Twitter.
Hope that helps!

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Freddy Krueger targeting sleep-deprived workers

OVERWORKED Britons are proving a rich hunting ground for vengeful spirit Freddy Krueger.

Britain’s ‘long hours culture’ has enabled the disfigured, supernatural maniac to claim more victims by entering their dreams when they nod off at work.

Krueger said: “Terrorising knackered office workers makes a nice change from American teenagers, which is a bit of a dead end anyway because there’s always a feisty one who works out how to defeat me.

“Yesterday I murdered a data entry drone called Kevin by going into his dreams, shrinking him to tiny size, putting him in a data field in spreadsheets, and closing the file without saving.

“Tomorrow I’ve got my eye on his colleague Susan. She does a two-hour commute so I think I’ll cook her in an oven when she gets home and falls asleep in front of the Bake Off.”