Your Problems Solved

Out of desperation I pointed out to my husband that watermelons have the same stimulating properties as Viagra and he agreed to try one out. However, he enjoyed it so much that he has moved it into our bed and asked me to sleep in the spare room because I am putting him off. He says if he leaves it in the microwave for a few seconds first it feels better than the real thing, or his sock.

Petula says: Dear Sammi,
A lot of men are turned on by fruit and vegetables, mainly because they do not demand a pair of shoes and a trip to the hairdressers every time you peel off their outer layers. Maybe you should incorporate his interest in this area into your love-making? Next time he’s about to sneak off to his study to look at the Tesco website tell him to bring the laptop into the lounge and the pair of you can look at it together. I know a lot of people claim that women do not respond to pornography in the same way as men but my heart certainly starts to race a bit when I see a picture of a nice, firm courgette. However, steer clear of the marrows as they will only remind you of what you are missing. If none of this works try turning up the power on the microwave. It will not do anything for your love life but it will boil the end of his privates, which will be a laugh.

Dear Petula,
I have been married for 20 years and my husband has completely lost interest in sex. So much so that I do not have to smear my face in nightcream or sellotape a bit of string to my inside privates to stop him from clambering aboard at the weekend and see-sawing away like an arthritic duck. However, last Friday, instead of getting our traditional takeaway, he burst into the front room naked, said we needed to do something to spice up our love life, smeared his pork kebab with some Patak’s Original Balti Paste and asked me for a go in my tandoori oven. I was outraged. He knows I’m more of a Tikka Mahkni girl. Nevertheless, I’m ashamed to say I found the whole thing quite stimulating. I think it must be the coriander as he still doesn’t really touch the sides, if you catch my drift. Clearly he thinks the same as now he’s demanding I let him put his shashlik in my aloo chat. Isn’t that illegal?

Petula says: Dear Navneeta,
Offering up your aloo chat to the man in your life can be a wonderfully intense experience, or so I am told by some demented perverts, but in my experience it is much more likely to make your nose bleed and leave you walking like John Wayne for a week. If he tries anything like that again I would grab hold of his shashlik, smear it with some Vindaloo and then make a run for it while his eyes are watering. Lock yourself in the bathroom and call the Police. Of course it’s illegal. You don’t live in Wales!


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Churches Urged To Ban Noisy Little Shits

CHURCHES should be given the right to remove noisy little shits the very second they open their mouths, campaigners said last night.

The move comes after a Lichfield vicar was given the freedom of the city after telling a two year-old to 'shut up or piss off' during its parents' wedding ceremony.

The vicar was paraded around the city centre on a gilded throne before being presented with a brand new Aston Martin and his pick of the local barmaids.

Churches across the UK are now being urged to adopt a zero-tolerance approach to anything under five years of age.

Wayne Hayes, a spokesman for People Against Toddlers, said: "Wedding ceremonies are excruciating enough without the relentless screaming of some jam-filled brat.

"Unfortunately, many of our churches do seem to be specially designed to take the sound of a screeching child and then channel it directly into the middle of your brain.

"If you do have to bring your child to a wedding, why not just leave it in the car or tie it to a tree?"

Hayes added: "The only time a noisy child is in any way acceptable is when the bride's best friend from university is reading that fucking passage from Captain Corelli's Mandolin."