Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
There’s a really foxy girl who drinks
in my local and I’ve decided I’d like to have sex with her. I’ve
heard on the grapevine that she likes men with expensive cars and
designer clothes – unfortunately, my job as a service station
assistant only just about keeps me in Pot Noodles and Lynx. I thought
maybe I could break into an old lady’s house, rough her up a bit
and then steal all her life savings and ornaments. My question is:
should I bother with all the hassle of buying a flashy car when I
could just hand this girl the loot and tell her to get her knickers

Dear Floyd,
My mummy and daddy have always told me
how I must try hard at school and go to university if I want to have
a good job when I’m older and make lots of money to spend on Barbie
accessories. But it turns out that this is all a load of nonsense
because there’s a way of making loads of money by not doing anything
at all. You don’t even have to bother going to college or even school
– you can just hang about in doorways, terrorise cats and set fire to
things if you like. When all the silly, boring people are doing exams
and taking out bank loans to go to university, the really clever ones
just go to a special place run by the government and say they would
like some pocket money paid to them every week. Then they fill in
some forms and their rent gets paid, and they can go and get drunk
and spend their day in front of their big telly in their PJs. If they
want to go on holiday or get the latest designer clothes, they just
have few babies. My granny talks rubbish when she says this country
is going down the toilet – anywhere that pays people to stay in bed
all day must be the greatest place on Earth.
Hope that helps!

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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
This week try to strike a balance between career, romance and being denied bail.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
This week you could upset someone born under Libra who feels their artistic talents are being brushed aside. Well done.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
You once again manage to ignore the voices – both internal and external – and put the finishing touches to your blog post about the latest episode of Dr Who.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
It might not specify it in your job description, but in fairness to your employer you should just assume you’re not supposed to turn up for work at 2.30 pm stinking of cider and anal sex.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
A time of great change as the relegation of your team means that come August you will have a host of new and excting places to beat up strangers.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
In a bid to show you’ve got more strings to your directorial bow than Twilight, why not remake an old fairy tale that looks exactly the same as Twilight? I’m looking forward to your reworking of The Canterbury Tales with a girl torn between two brooding young men who may be werewolves. Arse.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Fame at last as people are still talking about your nervous breakdown on Eggheads, which featured you saying the name ‘Dermot Murnaghan’ in a thick Brummie accent over and over and over and over again.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You can tell a lot about somebody by the contents of their fridge. Especially if there’s a human foot in it.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Nutella can be used in naughty ways to spice up things in the bedroom, but perhaps not 12 jars a week.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
‘Some people think you’re bonkers, but you just think you’re free’, you say? Well, I’m from the contingent that think you sound like a council estate being dropped down a flight of stairs. Pack it in.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
After waiting for five years on the donor list for a kidney, you finally admit defeat and just make a steak pudding instead.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
You patiently explain to your child that swimming is the best form of exercise and that one day they might even grow up to be big and strong enough to throw their own children into a canal.