ARNOLD Schwarzenegger knew his marriage was doomed shortly after the birth of a three-stone baby carrying a sawn-off shotgun.
The tower of knuckles will part from his wife Maria Shriver, who in turn will begin the slow surgical process of reversing all the work she has had done to make her look like her husband.
Family lawyer, Wayne Hayes, said: “I think the jig was up when Maria was sent a Youtube link of five year-old Gunther shouting ‘Fug you, asshole’ to his nursery nurse in a thick Austrian accent.
“I don’t know if you’ve ever seen a toddler chomping on a cigar, but it’s fantastic.
“He’s now 10 years-old but he already looks like a Nazi midget made out of bowling balls.”
Shriver first became suspicious that Schwarzenegger was having an affair with a member of their domestic staff when the woman in question made no complaints of sexual harassment.
By the time she eventually left their employment to go on maternity leave, she had to prop her stomach up with a unicycle.
Final confirmation of Schwarzenegger’s secret son came on the boy’s tenth birthday when he arrived naked at their house demanding clothes, boots and a motorcycle as a birthday present.
Hayes said: “The last time I spoke to Arnold he was making plans to go back in time to kick his own arse so he wouldn’t be able to rump the maid in the first place.
“I wouldn’t underestimate him. He was governor of California for eight years. What the fuck was that about?”