Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
One of my so-called ‘friends’ has apparently been slagging me off on Facebook and Twitter and I’m not willing to let her get away with it. The person in question is always nice as pie when we’re face-to-face but as soon as she’s online she’s tweeting about how I don’t know what day of the week it is or updating her status to say she hopes she doesn’t have to sit next to me at lunch because the smell of piss puts her off her minestrone. Can you believe her cheek? To make matters worse, this place only has one computer which she’s always hogging so I can never get online to check what she’s been saying about me. I’ve asked one of the staff here if I can get access to a laptop but they just smile at me and tell me to take my medication. How can I stop this two-faced elderly cyberbitch before my reputation is ruined forever?
Park View Care Home

Dear Queenie,
It’s at times like this when you need to forget about social networking and get back to basics by having a good old fashioned playground scrap. Put the word out after morning assembly that there’s going to be a fight and by lunchtime you’ll have half the school standing in a circle in the playground clapping and baying for blood. Remember to remove your tie and any valuables such as marbles, pipe cleaners or conkers so they don’t get lost in the scramble. As your opening move, grab your opponent’s jumper and swing them round several times to disorientate them, following up with a swift and decisive push to the middle of the back, winding them and sending them flying on to the concrete where they’ll hopefully get a nasty graze to the hands and knees. By this point, you’ll need to make a quick exit, because the teacher will have spotted the fracas, spilled his coffee down his shirt and be wading angrily through the crowd towards you. The nearest hiding place is behind the portacabins where Stacey Diddle takes boys to show them her pants. With any luck the teacher will collar someone else or get distracted by a dog turd on the football pitch and you’ll be free to fight another day.
Hope that helps!


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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Good news as your pseudodocumentary Made In Hoxton, which follows the semi-scripted adventures of a bunch of unforgivable, sneering TV pricks, is given the green light.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
If you do have an Oedipal issue, it’s that you couldn’t spell it properly if somebody put a dictionary-shaped gun to your head.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
That’s how you roll, is it? Living the dream, are you? Rock ‘n’ roll, you say? If the allied troops of 67 years ago could have heard you, I doubt they’d have bothered.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
This week I’m going to tell the police your back garden is full of dead nuns and I’ll do it in a weird, spooky voice so they have to believe me. All that new decking will have to come up.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Well I stand up next to a mountain, and I chop it down with the edge of my hand. Y’know, there’s not enough really good songs about open cast mining.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Harness the positive energy within and send affirmations of love out to the cosmos to turn around the run of bad fortune you’ve had recently. If that fails, buy a crate of vodka and a shotgun.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You can’t wait for the release of The Green Lantern as the CGI is apparently so good Ryan Reynolds doesn’t look like an eminently punchable spurt of dickspittle.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You may have thought your friends would be jealous when you bagged a girlfriend that’s ten years younger than you are but instead you’ve become an outcast in your 6th-form college.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
This week, in a bout of refreshing honesty, you start referring to your constituents as ‘scum’ during a speech proposing the repeal of child labour laws.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
I’m getting a message from your granddad who says he hasn’t seen Jesus yet and is starting to think it may have something to to do with all those villagers in WWII that he never told you about. Press ‘five’ to find out more.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
As Pisces and Sagittarius start their second week in your house, the
place is smelling progressively more like stale fish and horse shit.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Expect tailbacks on the M1 between junctions 4 and 7 this Saturday due
to a burst lorry. Yeah, maybe it is, but I’m still more fucking mystical than you.