Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
The other night, something incredible
happened to me. I was sitting watching Coronation Street, when
suddenly, Ken Barlow came out of the TV set and grabbed me around the
neck. His eyes were burning with an intense, pink fire, boring into
me as he boomed, ‘your mission is to eradicate those who work against
me, and who deny my absolute power. Go this day to Morrisons
supermarket and buy all of the Findus Crispy Chicken available, and
some Sarsons vinegar. Fight to the death anyone who stands in your
way. When you get home, bury the vinegary chicken treasure in your
garden, light a fire and await my next message’. With a puff of
smoke, he was gone. Do you think this was a genuine vision, or was it
all the cannabis?

Dear Dave,
It sounds to me like you have
superhuman powers or something. I would love to have a special power,
like being invisible so I could sneak into the boys toilets and see
exactly what they get up to in there that creates such an awful
smell. Or even better, I would have superspeed so next time Valerie
Potter pukes on the bouncy castle, I’d be out of there like a flash
of light, whilst everyone else is left in their socks jumping on
vomit. What would be most cool of all though would be to have
superhuman strength so that next time my granny’s Yorkshire terrier,
Bilko, gets raped by next door’s rottweiler, I’d be there to
intervene and stand on that horrid dog’s slimy red lipstick so he
thinks twice about abusing poor, frightened old Bilko again.
Hope that helps!


Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
At the third stroke, your life will enter a far deeper phase of utter meaninglessness. Beep. Beep. Beeeeeeep.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Factor in 10 minutes before your job interview for a visit to the toilet. Have a wee, make sure your hair’s okay, straighten your tie and, most important of all, hit that crack pipe.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Why not convince everybody you’re a geek by buying an expensively-assembled outfit of designer glasses frames, boutique computer game t-shirts and ill-fitting trousers?

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
These long, hot summer nights have meant you’ve taken to sleeping naked. Which has given the staff of Dixons something to ponder as they step over you on their way into work.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You can call it an ‘Improv-War Wordsmith Poetry Slamdown’ as much as you like. It doesn’t stop it from being an hour of social retards demonstrating why they’re still virgins in ways that don’t even rhyme.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Jim Carrey. Penguins. Penguins. Jim Carrey. Penguins. Penguins. Jim Carrey. Jim Carrey. Jim Carrey. Jim Carrey. Penguins. Jim Carrey. Penguins. Jim Carrey. Penguins. Penguins. Jim Carrey. Penguins. Jim Carrey.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Show your support for work colleagues fasting during Ramadan by giving up chips for Super Ted.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Latest update on the prickish phrases that if you use one more time, somebody’s going to punch you in the throat – ending any word with ‘izzle’.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
It’s hard to understand how the touch of your hand can start me crying. Didn’t you write down the safety word?

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
If you’re flattered by people saying how wonderful the dress looks in your wedding photos, just ask yourself whether, if you cooked a meal, you’d be flattered by everyone commenting on the wonderful plate it was served on.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
A frosty time at work this week after asking a perfectly reasonable question – why do all your colleagues constantly take diet advice from the hugest woman in the building?

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
It was ten years ago but you can still remember the tang of firework smoke in the crisp November air, the sparks of blue, green and red lights in her eyes and brushing the strand of hair from her face that turned into that first kiss you’ll never forget. Yep, in wank-bank terms it’s a keeper.