Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
Dave from IT has given me Gonorrhoea.  Should I impale both his testicles with a high heel, or just one?

Dear Tara,
I’m not sure what Gonorrhoea is but you sound pretty ungrateful to me: Dave probably went to a lot of trouble to find you the perfect gift and all you can do is complain. My mummy says even if someone gets you a rubbish present you still have to smile and say thank you. We had to have a chat about this after I had a bit of a meltdown at Christmas over a Dora the Explorer pencil case which was blatantly for a baby, not a big girl like me. Anyway, now I’ve learned to control my rage and granny’s head wound has virtually disappeared, I am happy to receive any gift, even the matchbox of scabs which Oliver French so kindly gave me for my birthday. Who’d have thought a discarded piece of  congealed blood would make such a pretty trinket for Barbie’s hair?
Hope that helps!


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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
It’s okay, mine humps people’s legs too. So was yours born like that or did the midwife drop it on its head?

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You like old movies. Like the Godfather III. Which is why you’re going to spend the rest of your life alone.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Don’t take a work colleague’s criticisms too personally. Except for the ones that are about you, they’re definitely personal.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
There’s always one holiday snap with somebody you don’t recognise in it. But it’s not often they’re draping their flaccid giblet across your sleeping brow.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
If you think you have the skill sand attitude to become a Royal Marine for Christ’s sake join now before you end up in jail.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Heads and shoulders knees and toes, knees and toes. Never buy a fridge off Denis Nilsen.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
When God gives you lemons, make lemonade. So  I hope you’re in the mood for gallons of messydivorcepainfulillnessade

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Good job your house was built near some caves and not a giant flower garden otherwise Gotham City would currently be protected by a man dressed as an enormous bee.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
This week you’ll be fighting for the public’s right to vote on European Union membership, because that’s what’s on the mind of every person currently sat on a meagre pile of belongings outside their recently-repossessed house.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You remember the first time you made love – the boy you’d known since you were 12, so gentle and kind, he was patient with you until you were ready to give yourself to him. But then you went to Magaluf for your 18th birthday and popped it with some pool attendant you think may have been called ‘Diego’. Nicely done.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Your minds is constant, giddying whirr of schemes, ideas and inventions, each one of them infinitely shitter than the last.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Who you gonna call? Ghostbusters? To treat your anal leakage? Seriously?