Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I managed to score with a really hot babe from my local by getting her horribly incapacitated on vodka and coke laced with rohypnol. However, I was really disappointed to see that underneath her clothes she was wearing cheap underwear from Primark. Why is it women have no self-respect these days?
Milton Keynes


Dear Darren,
Not many people know this, but Amanda Sullivan’s mum works in Primark and she told Amanda the whole truth. Basically, it used to be that poor people had to wear rags or steal their clothes from washing lines because they couldn’t afford even a zip from one of Victoria Beckham’s dresses, which are so expensive because they are made from real human skin. But then the philanthropist Lord Primark died and bequeathed his entire estate of ready-to-wear fashion to the poor people of Britain so that they would be able to throw entire outfits away without a care when they got really drunk on a Saturday and puked on themselves. Everyone was really happy, especially grannies, who got to dress in exactly the same clothes as young people, instead of oppressive quilted nighties from C & A. But no-one realised that it was all part of an elaborate plan by the evil queen of fashion, Vivienne Westwood, who had murdered kindly Lord Primark in order to begin prepping the nation for work in the underground fashion mines. It hasn’t started yet, but one day, she’ll blow a whistle and all the poor people will start filing underground and you’ll never see them again until their skins start featuring in Stella McCartney’s autumn line. Let’s hope John Topshop comes up with a plan to defeat the evil fashion witches before it’s too late.
Hope that helps!


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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Your decision to open a karaoke bar in Cardiff pays dividends this week as you spot a gaggle of cackling women headed by, one with 600 grand burning a hole in her pocket.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
At the third stroke it will be time to accept your cocaine habit needs looking at. Beep, beep, beeeeep.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Mercury comes round to your party with a self-made mix CD entitled ‘Best Of The Beatles’ and when you play it, they’re all Ringo songs. What a prick.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
So, that’s the first draft of your screenplay written. Now comes the hard work of transcribing it from the faeces on your bedroom wall.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
As a coroner you’re noticing more and more people’s cause of death being listed as “Using the phrase ‘totes amazeballs’ near somebody who isn’t an unforgivable wanker”.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Taking off your hobnailed boots and stepping off the prone, semi-conscious former rapper, you haughtily tell the producers of ‘Dancing On Ice’ that you still feel your version is more entertaining.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
If your teenager is caught shoplifting it may be a cry for attention. Definitely so if it’s a loudhailer.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Money worries again this week. The crosshatching seems blurred and the pink dye on the £50 notes still isn’t drying right.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
I don’t think the changed privacy settings on Google are really going to be necessary for people to know your browsing history, as ‘porn’ and ‘expired crates of vodka’ just about covers it, yes?

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Your lifelong mantra of asking why the police aren’t out catching real criminals backfires this week after they take your advice and arrest the shit out of you.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
While your boss knows you inexplicably spent three years studying philosophy at university, even she wasn’t expecting you to crowbar in Zeno’s tortoise paradox for why you’ve turned up at 1030 for the third day running.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
A gaze that lingers for a second longer than expected, a gentle brush of the arm when holding a door open, playing with their hair when they talk to you. Yep, your cellmate is definitely going to try and fuck you tonight after lights out.