Please buy a Blackberry Playbook, says guilt-ridden Apple

ELECTRONICS giant Apple has begun promoting Blackberry’s unfortunate tablet machine out of a mixture of pity and guilt.

The very limited success of Blackberry’s goofy iPad clone, named after an 80s sex manual, has widened the vast coolness-chasm between the two brands to such an embarrassing extent that Apple has been forced to act.

An Apple spokesman said: “While we sought to outperform Blackberry, we never wanted this. This is just…it doesn’t feel like a victory, it feels cruel.

“Those Blackberry guys, a lot of them are good people, plus they’ve got kids to feed, they deserve to make at least a modest living.

“That’s why we’re lending them some of our credibility.

“So please get out there, buy a Playbook. Even better buy two, give the spare away to some elderly relatives who don’t really like technology, or just use it as a tray for carrying hot drinks.”

While former comedians are already recording Blackberry reminiscences for a nostalgia-based Channel 4 lists show, many Blackberry workers have given their youngest children over to the care of kindly strangers.

The Apple spokesman added: “In the gladiatorial arena of shiny thing-sales, we have our sandal on Blackberry’s throat and a spear poised at its forehead.

“As well as being covered in sand, blood and snot, Blackberry has pissed itself and is weeping like an infant, begging for mercy.

“But instead of delivering the fatal blow, we’ve realised that the thirst for victory almost robbed us of our empathy for the weak.

“We need to get this thing going again, not only for the poor ragged infants of Blackberry families but to keep things interesting for ourselves.”


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Met loaned Mystic Meg a water cannon

SUN astrologer Mystic Meg was given use of a CVT6000 police water cannon in 2007, it has emerged.

The bob-haired soothsayer was handed the keys to the 25,000-litre Croatian vehicle as part of her ongoing war with the Daily Mirror’s Psychic Sally after the pair fell out over an ebay auction of Aleister Crowley’s goat harness.

A Metropolitan Police spokesman said: “We routinely find foster homes for our retired water cannons.

“Ms Meg very kindly gave star chart readings for everyone above the rank of chief inspector, as well as offering predictions as to when we’d next bother to pursue a rape case.

“The vehicle was returned in excellent condition and she’d even refilled the tank with water she said was from a mystical spring that would turn rioters into bats.”

The arrangement was one of many between the Met and News International, with ‘Bizarre’ editor Gordon Smart being loaned the Territorial Support Group which he and George Osborne would then ride around the Chilterns on a Sunday afternoon.

Meanwhile, agony aunt Deidre Saunders had regular access to surveillance helicopters and night vision goggles and financial columnist Captain Crunch was given a special badge so he could stop and search large breasted women.

The water cannon died of natural causes in 2009, which Labour MP Tom Watson described as ‘very suspicious’.