ELECTRONICS giant Apple has begun promoting Blackberry’s unfortunate tablet machine out of a mixture of pity and guilt.
The very limited success of Blackberry’s goofy iPad clone, named after an 80s sex manual, has widened the vast coolness-chasm between the two brands to such an embarrassing extent that Apple has been forced to act.
An Apple spokesman said: “While we sought to outperform Blackberry, we never wanted this. This is just…it doesn’t feel like a victory, it feels cruel.
“Those Blackberry guys, a lot of them are good people, plus they’ve got kids to feed, they deserve to make at least a modest living.
“That’s why we’re lending them some of our credibility.
“So please get out there, buy a Playbook. Even better buy two, give the spare away to some elderly relatives who don’t really like technology, or just use it as a tray for carrying hot drinks.”
While former comedians are already recording Blackberry reminiscences for a nostalgia-based Channel 4 lists show, many Blackberry workers have given their youngest children over to the care of kindly strangers.
The Apple spokesman added: “In the gladiatorial arena of shiny thing-sales, we have our sandal on Blackberry’s throat and a spear poised at its forehead.
“As well as being covered in sand, blood and snot, Blackberry has pissed itself and is weeping like an infant, begging for mercy.
“But instead of delivering the fatal blow, we’ve realised that the thirst for victory almost robbed us of our empathy for the weak.
“We need to get this thing going again, not only for the poor ragged infants of Blackberry families but to keep things interesting for ourselves.”